pruesaysit.com

Homely Home

Garfield in PJ’s having a snooze on my bed.

My awesome mid century dresser.

Meezer Salt and Pepper Shakers to keep my Hawaiian girl company.

To see the rest of my room/house, click here.

An Email Turned Post

Nate wanted me to send him an email of what’s going on in my life right now. This is what I wrote;

Well let me see. Today is my 9th day on the Lexapro. I switched medications again after 2 months on the Luvox. It did nothing but make me sick and put me in a grumpy mood all the time. Mum said I didn’t even seem like myself while I was on it. So I went medication free for 7 days, which was surprisingly easy. I hadn’t been medication free in so long but it wasn’t as terrible as I imagined it might be. I’m not well enough to not take it, but it was interesting to see what I was like off it. Anyway, the last 8 days, I’ve vomited after eating or drinking anything. I’m kinda worn out. But yesterday I didn’t hurl once, which was a pleasant surprise.
Being off the Aropax has substantially improved my sleep pattern. I’m in bed by half ten most nights and up before 8am. I actually feel awake during the day, which is an awesome feeling. For so long, being awake during the day felt like I was walking in a fog. Now it’s bright and sunny and people are noticing the difference. Even my shrink.

Let’s talk about her shall we? She’s great. She’s noticed a big change in me since I came off Aropax. Although, the session prior to my last was a nightmare. I was an absolute mess. That day is what prompted me to get off the Luvox. I was having serious thoughts about killing myself and I was in tears and really, I was just a mess. It was the first time she’d seen me lose it. I just sat in her office and cried for most of the hour. I got off that medication the day after. Two weeks later, I was a different person. No thoughts of harming myself or feeling like I wanted to die… I felt calm. I still do. Yeah the vomiting’s a bit of a nightmare (I’ve so far vomited in the Richies Car Park, Mitre 10 carpark, Mum’s car, the front yard, the backyard, the garage, the parents house, Jo’s car) but I’m kinda used to it now and it sorta seems to have subsided. I want to give this medication a good go.

Monitoring my medication will be a Psychiatrist at Pine Lodge in Dandenong. I haven’t had an appointment with them yet, but I’m waiting for it. It won’t be to talk or anything really, just to monitor my meds and see how they’re going. I’m also doing the Personal Support Program through Skills Plus. Centrelink referred me there. I was really really nervous about it and cancelled the appointment 3 times before I actually went. It was while I was a complete mess. I finally told the lady at Skills Plus what was going on and how my meds were affecting me and she was really sympathetic. Most of her clients are on some sort of medication for mental illnesses as well so she understands what it can be like. I finally went and saw her and she was lovely. Very compassionate and understanding. She wants me to focus on getting my medication right and then I have another appointment in November to talk about how I’m feeling and what they might be able to offer me.

I told the lady at Skills Plus how I want to study. And I actually really do. I have found this course in Child Birth Education and Pre and Post Natal Doula (a birth partner) work that I’d love to do. I thought I’d have to wait til I had repaid Centrelink so I could borrow that 500 bucks from them, but they might be able to help me out with funding which would be awesome. It’s something I’m really passionate about and I think I’d be great at it.

At home, things are going well for the most part. There’s some drama at the moment about bills (not me, thankgod!) but apart from that, everything is good. The house really feels like home. It’s the kind of house I’m not embarrassed to have people over to and it really feels like an adult home. We’ve really taken lots of care to make it a comfortable, good looking, warm home. We had my folks and Laurens mum Pauline over on the weekend for lunch. We sat outside in the sunshine and ate fresh rolls and fruit and sipped on Lemon lime and bitters. It was the perfect way to spend an afternoon.

There’s no love life to speak of. James is apparently taking some time to get himself together, but I’m not sure how serious he is about it. You know the majority of stuff that’s gone on between him and I. It turned super dramatic 2 weeks or so ago, when he got really super trashed and told me he’d always loved me. He’d never told me that before. Maybe it was just that drunk kinda stuff that people say and then wake up in the morning and think “oh god, why did I say that?!” That wasn’t all he said that night. He said some horrendous things to me that night as well. Enough for me to realise that he needs to pull himself together before anything could possibly happen, and that I won’t have anything to do with him until he does. It’s been hard and I think about him every day but I know that’s it for the best.  Outside of James, there is no one. I’m just focusing on me for the time being. The complication of you know what wouldn’t be in my best interest right now, as much as my libido disagrees.

There ya go

Random Thought

He said he was drunk and he didn’t mean all the things he said. Did he mean it when he told me he’d always loved me? Or was that one of the things he didn’t mean.   I’ve been thinking about it all day.

Here Are Some Things That Give Me The Shits…an unsorted list.

Wankers who update their Facebook status 20 times a day to reflect their every emotion. If it’s awesome news, that’s great…but dude, I don’t need to hear about how miserable you are every time I log in. Seriously, if you want everyone to know your business, get a fucking blog. That’s what we did in the old days, and look how well that turned out!

Bad Television Ads- Has anyone else seen the new Workplace Safety Ads on TV. Dude, I thought the TAC clips were graphic but wow! I swear I can see that Asian guys skull as his skin melts onto the floor! Then there’s that Scooter ad and the chicks hands are all mangled…but perhaps the most distasteful ad I saw all night was the Pro-Life Keep Abortion Illegal minute long guilt trip filled with right wing religious overtones and some classy Photoshop work to make the uterus more glowy and light filled than I’d previously believed it to be. The last ad evoked the kind of frustration that the Vista Blinds “BUY ONE GET ONE FREE!” woman can normally only draw from me.

Bad Australian Clothing For Fatties-Seriously! It gives me the shits that because there are so few options for plus size womens fashion in Australia, that places like Big City Chic get away with charging an absolute fortune for shitfully made and poorly fashioned clothes. Kmart, Target and Big W all suck a giant dick too. They all only produce one decent item per season and then you be sure that everywhere you go, another fat chick will be wearing the same item. This is not the time to tell me losing weight would solve the problem, coz there’d just be another fat chick whinging about the same thing to take my place.

My Distinct Lack of Painting Ability- Joey, my housemate, has had some time off recently and the other day we thought we’d get out some canvas and paint a masterpiece to be enjoyed throughout the ages. Mine didn’t exactly turn out like that. I was trying to paint Our Lady of Guadalupe but she turned out looking like…like…if Grimace and Nana Maskoury had a baby and that baby grew up to have really small hands and slutty eye make up. I know I can tell you it’s not finished yet, but I really can’t undo the damage I’ve done. Damn my lack of talent.

People Who Don’t Enjoy Scrabble- What is it with you people? How can you not love it? Granted, I do get a little competitive but I’m like that with Monopoly, Poker, Bullshit, Taboo… actually… maybe people just don’t like to play Scrabble with me? I think that could be it.

Drugs, Decency and Dan

So a few days ago, I bit the bullet and saw my doctor about changing my medication. She’s put me on Lexapro. I’ve never taken it before, so we’ll so how it goes. I have to be off my current medication for 7 days before I can start taking it though, which I have my reservations about. This will be my second night without taking my meds so I’m feeling a few odd symptoms. Sore jaw and super hungry and a few bouts of dizziness during the day. Fingers crossed it’s all peachy.

The whole James thing, well he ‘doesn’t care enough to treat me like a decent human being’, so it’s done. Go figure it was him that pointed that out when I’d totally overlooked it myself. Obviously, I’m totally riding a self esteem high after this whole fucking debarcle.

I highly recommend “Dan In Real Life”. I don’t often get giddy over movies, but I adored this. It makes me want to have like, 5 kids of my own!

Feeling ‘Grey’

Sorry my last post was a bit dramatic. I was in a really bad headspace and it scared the crap out of me. I really just felt like I’d reached the end of my tether and I couldn’t take it anymore. Normally the sadness is like waist deep water, harsh at first but then you get used to it…but the other night it was like an unexpected tidal wave. It just hit me and I found myself flailing and gasping for air and I was all out of floaties.
Anyway, I wanted to say thanks to those good eggs who made contact with me to see that I was okay. It’s really comforting to know that there are people that care about me. I owe you guys.

I didn’t end up going to Mildura to see Nate, mostly because I was broke but also because I’m a notorious piker because of my anxiety. I let people down all the time because even though things seem like a good idea at the time, I stew on it and eventually by the time comes to do it, I’m overwhelmed with anxiety and I pike. By my own admission, this is a cunty thing to do but I can confidantly say that at the end of the day, I’m the one who’s more upset than the person I’ve let down. I carry around a lot of guilt about stuff like that. Fuck, I still even feel guilty about not going to Cobram with Teeds 3 bloody years ago. One day it’ll be nice to be able to say yes to something without worrying I’m going to let someone down in the end.

Things with James are fucked. And I don’t just mean a soft dicking, I mean hardcore up against the wall panty ripping fucked. Tonight his friends told me how much hotter they were than me and had a good laugh at me on webcam while we were supposed to be talking. Don’t ask, it’s hard to explain the scenario, but essentially it made me feel like a right ugly cow and if they’re the kind of girls he goes for, then I have about the same chance with him as monkeys have of flying out of my anus.

I’m still seeing my Shrink. Obviously, from the post I made the other day and well, let’s be honest, the tone of this one too…it’s not working that fucking brilliantly. I’ve officially learned zero coping skills. It feels pretty fucking useless and all it’s doing is gulping down my parents money with fuck all results. God that sounds really negative. Don’t get me wrong, I really like my Shrink but we just chit chat, and at 200 bucks an hour, you’d wanna be seeing some results and I don’t see any. I’m nearly 12 sessions in and I don’t feel like I’m able to cope any better than I did before I started. I don’t know what I expected. I know I’ve been sick for a long time and it’s gonna take a lot of work to make things better, but shit… Meh, I’m just rambling.

It’s not all bad, fuck, I’ve made things sound like I’m gonna knock myself off. I’m just going through a bit of a rough patch.

If you want to know something most cute and excellent though, you should comment or email and I will share it with you. I can’t post it here because due to some 6 degrees of seperation kinda set up, I’m worried someone I don’t want to see this will, and it could cause some issues for me. It’s nothing huge so if you can’t be arsed, that’s fine too. I’m not knocked up/getting married/dying… it’s just something that’s brought some light into my life and I’d like to share it with you. Sorry to sound so fucking cryptic. I’ll explain if you ask.

Bag of Shit

I feel like shit.  I don’t have the energy to bore anyone with specifics, but I’m going to bed to cry. I haven’t felt this bad in a long time.

A billion thoughts condensed into one.

I wish I made him feel like Gorecki 2mins26secs. I wish I could take him so far away, somewhere guilt and expectation and the past ceased to exist and it was only the two of us, raw emotion and a bottle of lube.