Writing
Summer by Prue E. Jackson
That Summer night I will remember
sitting in the grass with you
Our legs entwined as you pulled me towards you
not a care for the wind that’s rushing through the trees around us
lighting my cigarette I offered you the flame
And we sat, smoking and laughing
at stories of days passed
your face told a tale of growing infatuation
your actions promised no thirty second seduction
it was the first time i noticed
the amazing blue of your eyes
and your wide smile that dimpled your cheeks as you laughed
It were as though the nite stood still for the two of us
The wind appeared to halt its incredible gusts
The late nite chill went unnoticed
The warmth that night was you
As you took me in your arms
And held me close to you for the first time
Shadow by Prue E Jackson
You lurk in the shadows
I fear that I shall never see the sun grace your face again
I know I shouldn’t think about it
You’re long gone
Now only a vague and hazy memory of love gone astray
But something always draws me back
Prompts me to think of the love I felt for you
The way I was torn apart by desire
Logic questions why I care where you lurk nowadays
Surely time has proven that what I wanted
Certainly didn’t want me
I despise my desideration to entice you from the shadows
That wants to draw you from the darkness
And embrace you with my loves light
Battling against my better judgement day after day
To call you, to see you, to find you
I retreat, and compromise to live without you
Settling for what will only bring me half the joy we once had
Thus, I leave you to lurk in the shadows of my life
with the knowledge I will never see the sun grace your face again
No Lover by Prue E Jackson
Look what you’ve done to me
No lover will ever measure up now
Make me feel the intensity of desire
That welled deep within my heart for you
I draw comparisons with every one
I don’t laugh like I did with you
There’s no intimacy like that that filled our embrace
Never insecurity drawn from loving too much
No fervour of fire that spreads through my body
Why don’t these emotions come with anyone else
Am I bound to wonder what could have been forever
I feel I’ll search for a lifetime to find what we once had
And fear I’ll never find that love that sets me alight
Look what you’ve done to me
No lover will ever measure up now
Saviour by Prue E Jackson
Such strength to fight
for every fragment of normality
Trepidation I hold within me
Falling back into that abyss
Unsettling my unsteady equanimity
Questions my progression
Fall and after fall
Finally the light
Now stumbling I fear failure
What if there is never redemption?
Untitled by Prue E Jackson
So my actions make me a whore
Like you’ve never asked for something more
Smack me down and settle your score
Make my soul a little more raw
Call me the names you always wanted to
More blood on the battlefield is nothing new
Tell me I’m a bitch, it’s not untrue
Rectify my view askew
Your commentary just makes me strong
Though your words may not be wrong
I string fucks like you along
At my whim, where you belong.
Bound by Prue E Jackson
He starts with his words. His tantalising, articulate words that pass through my ears and flutter about in the depths of my stomach, creating an instant spark in those places still yet unknown to him. His eyes, azure in colour and honest in intention with an undeniable depth of sexuality that penetrates my being.
My femininity aches with desire, as he kisses the nape of my neck. His tongue that draws softly and deliberately over my collarbone. Leaning me back on to the floor, his strong hands bring my arms together, and hold them steadily above my head. My wrists bound by his strength.
Houdini by Prue E. Jackson
Morning storm clouds at my window
daylight seeping through the curtains
I lay next to you brushing my fingers through your hair
You doze gently dreaming
I dare not close my eyes for fear
that no perfection of a dream could compare
to what exists at this time in my waking hours
I study your consummate features
Deftly tracing the inky Malaysian memory etched on your back
My touch gravitates toward your acquired scars
all unmatched and sui generis with a story to tell
each individual imperfection reads perfection in my eyes
Your scent, an infusion of Bourbon and two lettered aftershave
lingers on my sheets as it will for days
When you wake you will slip into the morning
not unlike Houdini, without a trace
And I will take up that familiar position by my window
Wrapped in the covers that we made love on just the nite before
inhaling your scent
Waiting.
Hollywood Dreams by Prue E. Jackson
Tonight I felt the kind of hurt I’d promised myself no person could ever make me feel again. I know that that hurt is unintentional. That you have things to sort out. That I can’t force you to reciprocate the feelings I have for you. That no matter how much I try to rationalize your feelings, I can’t understand. That only you can sort out for yourself and only then, when you open the vault of your heart, will you be open to recieve the love of a woman who adores you.
So I faced the truth there in that cold car park. I admitted to all those feelings I had tried to supress for quite a while now. I couldn’t look in to your eyes as I told you I was in love with you. I was too scared, too afraid, that you would leave right then. I wanted to hear you say you felt the same way. Although, part of me already knows you do, or you wouldn’t have stood there in the dark listening to me plead my case. You said my feelings only made you more adamant to stop things now, than let them continue. I asked you, not wanting to hear your reply, whether you wanted to end things there and then. You paused. Nodded. I gathered my thoughts and my composure, wiped the tears from my eyes and told you I hoped you found your way in life, and a love that would last you throughout the ages.
Standing there, in the dark, I kissed you goodbye. As I walked away, I prayed that, just like a hollywood movie, you would turn around and chase after me and beg me to stop. That you’d tell me you couldn’t be without me and you wanted to give ‘us’ a go.
But you didn’t. I got into the car and watched you pull away in your crappy white bomb.
Then, as I sat in the warmth, I cried tears for all that could have been and all the love I felt right there in that minute. All the feelings that had just been crushed. The trust you couldn’t instil in me. The loneliness in your eyes. The longing that I knew I’d feel for the next however long it’s going to take for me to pretend I’m over you…to pretend that I’m not thinking of you every time I hear the phone ring, the door knock, or my icq go off.
Know, that whenever you decide to leave yourself open to the possibility of a relationship, that I will be here with all the same feelings in my heart. That I wont hold any of this against you and that having you in my life would make me feel completely blessed. I promised you that night, as you made love to me, that I would never hurt you.
In the words of Carole King, “one fine day we’ll meet once more, and you’ll want the love you threw away before, one fine day you’re gonna want me for your girl”
But for now, I have to accept that what you say is best for you. Only you can determine what will make you happy I wont see you for a while, unless you have a change of heart, so I wish you all the best. Know that when you’re down, there’ll always be someone thinking of you and believing in you
The Hills by Prue E. Jackson
My dreams of you
You’re not the fool
Thoughts of you
They fill me full
You’re here with me
I’m not alone
You come around
Sweep me off my feet
No other lust can compete
Let go of your fears
Come to me
Find the passion
We felt before
You know you can’t
Avoid it forever
The hills are a lonely place
Mask by Prue E. Jackson
You accumulate it all inside
Pushing everyone away
Shielding it, locked up
Keeping everyone at bay
You say you just can’t do it
Prefer to keep it caged and bound
How much do I have to prove
To make you come around
Share with me what scares you most
The thoughts that only come to you at night
Let me take them on for you
So you no longer have to fight
Can’t stand to see that desperate look in your eyes
That overwhelms your now clouded heart
Unbeknownst to everyone else
You’ve perfected your disguise
The First by Prue E. Jackson
I remember the first time we kissed. It was inside my bedroom door. It was sweet and passionate and I’d longed for it since the first moment we met.
I remember the first time you held my hand. It was the first night I met you. I was sitting next to you on the armchair, someone turned the lights off and you reached down and held my hand tightly, then rested your head on it.
I remember the first time we ever slept together. We’d been watching the cricket and playing Playstation. Everyone else was starting to wind down and I wanted to ask you to share my bed, but I was too shy, so we lay on the couch together and you fell asleep on my hip. I was so uncomfortable, but at the same time, more comfortable with anyone than I’d ever been. Rob lay drunken and snoring on the other chair, and in between his loud breaths, I would stroke your hair. Not enough to wake you, but enough to let you know I was thinking about touching you.
I remember the first time you hugged me. I was in the kitchen rinsing dishes. You’d pulled one of your online “Be Right Back” stunts, and showed up wearing your Moccies. I didn’t hear you sneak up behind me, and as you did, you wrapped your arms around me, pulling me close to you and kissing my neck.
I looked into the kitchen window and thought about how gorgeous you looked in the reflection. “The Turtles”-”You and Me” played on a cd in the background.
I remember the first time we had sex. I was so anxious I kept having to drink from that huge water bottle. My mouth was so dry and the weather was so humid and our physical exertion had made the room so warm. I remember the sweat as it dripped off your forehead and shoulders and onto my chest. You reached for the water bottle and taking a long sip, you returned your lips to my neck and let it run from your mouth onto my shoulders.
I remember the first time you saw me cry. I’d come to your house and let myself in, stalker style, coz the keys were in the door already. I told you that it was a dangerous habit and that any psycho could just walk right it. I’d come over to talk and to tell you that I wanted you and that ‘we’ were a good idea. You sat in front of me, on the very edge of the mattress, and just kept repeating, “I’m sorry…I don’t want to hurt you…” That’s when the tears came. I remember you kissing them, as they ran down my cheeks.
I remember the first time I said I loved you. Actually I think it was a David Cassidy inspired “I think I love you…”. We were in the car park at Mickey’s, standing by your car. It certainly wasn’t what I’d come to tell you but when I looked into those incredible eyes of yours, the words just started flowing and before you know it, I’ve just blurted out my inner most feelings. As soon as I said it, I wanted to take it back. Not because I didn’t mean it, but because now I was naked. I’d shown you everything I’d promised myself I wouldn’t. I was completely vulnerable.
I remember wishing I didn’t have the urge to run into your arms every time I saw you. That I didn’t want you to take me and make love to me every time your eyes met mine. I remember every nite of not being able to sleep, because I was playing out memories in my head, searching for answers to questions I didn’t know.
I remember hoping that you would have some life altering realisation that would allow you to open your heart to me. That would stop you from running you get close.
Fade by Prue E. Jackson
I know in time
Ill get over the hurt
The pain will dull
Like every other time I’ve been burnt
This is the worst
I know I say this every time
But I thought I’d found the one
I’d spend my life searching to find
I pushed you for an answer
And your reply finally came
After hearing you say no
my heart will never be the same
Through these tears I remind myself
That one day my heart will mend
And in the meantime, I guess I’ll smile
and just pretend.
So Right by Prue E. Jackson
I’ve been told the feelings will fade and the urgency of my desire will grow weary.
That the love I feel for him will subside and eventually be rekindled by someone other than my current craving.
All this advice was given to me 6 months ago, and yet I still lie here in the stillness of night, desiring the object of my unrequited affections.
The time we’ve spent apart has only intensified what I feel for him and made me more certain, than ever before, that what I feel for him is real and not the swept up lust that I had labelled it after first meeting him.
I just now wish I knew how he felt. His emotions, like his behaviour, are erratic and unpredictable. Unable to be captured and almost certainly unidentifiable by the untrained eye.
His actions say one thing, but his words say another. But I believe that it is the fact I have him so well worked out that scares him the most. He’s afraid to be close to me, because I can read him like an open book. Like me, rejection is his biggest fear. That fear of having love declined and tearing your heart in two scares us both. Unfortunately, after all the lengths I’ve been to, to prove to him I would accept him and his heart, he was the one who ultimately projected his own worst fear onto me.
He rejected me and my feelings for him.
I guess it comes down to the age old theory that it is “better to get them, before they get me”. By rejecting me, he controlled the situation. Why let me break his heart if he can break mine first?
And yet, even though he pushed me further away than every before, I still desire him. I still want him. I think he thought by pushing me away, he would hurt me enough to give me a reason to give up on him. But I told him from the beginning that I wasn’t like other girls, and my dedication would prove this to him. I’m not one to run at the first sign of trouble.
I believe in my heart that he needs this assurance. That then, when he opens up his heart, he can trust me not to run from his darkest secrets carried in that vault.
He once told me that “everything was difficult between us not because we were wrong for eachother, but because we were so right”.
They say the road to love is never and easy one. Now that’s a piece of advice given to me in the last 6 months, that I actually believe.
Worth my Weight in Cows by Prue E. Jackson
I remember a time, seemingly not that long ago, when my parents baulked at the idea of me having a boyfriend. A boyfriend would distract me from what was important in life. A boyfriend would speed the transition from adolecent to adult too quickly.
But somewhere along the line, something changed. And all of a sudden, family *wanted* me to have a boyfriend.
It was with disappointment my parents asked why I didn’t have a boyfriend…and that “if I were…”, in fact, “…a lesbian, it would be okay” and they would always support me. I assured them this wasn’t the case, and that I was just single.
I think admitting I was a huge dyke bitch would have been easier than telling them I was single and heterosexual.
That way, when family enquired, “Is Prue seeing anyone?”
The answer would be a swift “She’s a lesbian…”
“Ahhhh” would be their reply. No more questions.
I suspect the theory goes that without a boyfriend, I have no potential husband, which means no potential grandchildren. Which to older generations signals the lonely life of the decrepit wench, alone with her dark army of cats.
It’s getting to the point, that family are actually trying to match make.
“How about so and so? He’s nice…good looking…”
“It’s a shame so and so’s gay…He’d make such a wonderful boyfriend for you…you should have dated him when you had a chance”
My mum actually suggested I write into the Womens Weekly, as they now have a column devoted to country women seeking a rural Aussie gent. It was with great sarcasm that I pointed out the glaring faults with this idea. The first, I am not a woman from the country! And secondly, at 21 am I really such a spinster that I need to be raffled off to some hillbilly at a B&S ball?
“Bitofshoosh, we’ll start the bidding at 3 cows and a sheep, for this lovely brunette with the big knockers…Do I have any takers?”
My greatest fear, is not that of ending up the old woman who lives in the rickety house down the street that local children fear, but that I will have to face the “Are you seeing anyone?” question til that time that I actually have a man.
And considering the drought circumstances, perhaps it’d be easier for everyone if I let them believe I was a huge butch dyke?
Grapevine by Prue E. Jackson
Heard she got married, big white wedding and all that
I’m still livin in my dingy bachelor pad
She married some professional, that’s how she pays the bills
I never had the cash, but yet she wanted me still
Drove past her house in Toorak once, Beamer out the front
She’d have been content with my bomb, but I acted like a cunt
Now some other fuckers got her and I’ll never get her back
Where once my life was golden, now it fades to black
Nite before my wedding day I wondered to myself
What that lad is up to, whether he’s still on the shelf?
He could have had me, all those years ago
But I couldn’t wait forever, so I got on with the show
And now there’s the mortgage, the bills and the divorce
Should have known he’d never leave his little whores
I wonder whether he’d have treated me the same
If I’d stuck around, those years ago, and played that little game.
Saw her on the street, just the other day
She was as perfect as I’d remembered her in every way
I ran across the traffic, my knees trembling and weak
And as her eyes met mine, I couldn’t bring myself to speak
My mouth gaped open, and she laughed and rolled her eyes
Well, well, I said, This sure is a surprise
I didn’t realise how much I’d missed her laugh
Had I played my cards right, she could have been my other half
I saw him dart across the road and head hurriedly towards me
My heart stopped beating, I swear. Well, at least to a degree.
He looked straight at me, wearing that cheeky smile
He made a smartarse comment and we both laughed a while
He asked where I was going? To the Solicitor came my reply
I’m getting a divorce but I didn’t offer why
Then came what I had wanted for so many many years
A look of known loss, his blue eyes blurred with tears
I apologised to her that day, there in the street
And this time round, I did it without looking at my feet
I’d felt guilty for years about what I did to her then
She would have died for me, lived for me if I’d just told her when
I should have let her in, I should have shared my heart
With an apology, I’d hoped to fix the love I’d torn apart
I’ve wanted you for so long, I told her sincerely
I reached out my hand to touch her arm dearly
Infinite by Prue E. Jackson
Isn’t it twisted
That you long for all the memories
That never soberly
existed
Isn’t it funny
How you can miss the time
You never spent
Together
I’ve tried to leave it in my past
They said this feeling wouldn’t last
They had good intentions but they were wrong
Else why would I still be hurting after this long?
Isn’t it odd
That you can crave something so much
that you never actually
got
Isn’t it screwed
My heart was stolen by someone
who never knew its
worth
Twisted, Funny, Odd and Screwed
Was all it took to come unglued
He’d forgotten how to feel
Least I knew my love was real
Realisations by Prue E. Jackson
I’ve learnt how to let go of a relationship that wasn’t good for my self esteem or emotional well being.
I’ve learnt how to be alone. I’ve learnt that I can survive without a boyfriend there to support me, or my family in the next room.
I’ve learnt that you can’t derive your own happiness from other people, and that it needs to come from within oneself.
I’ve learnt that love should set you on fire. There are too many mediocre things in this life, for love to be one of them.
I’ve learnt i can’t control the actions or behaviour of other people. They do what works for them, and what they chose is their prerogative.
I’ve learnt, or am in the process of learning, how to let go. Holding on to resentment, anger, false hopes and expectations is too draining and is a waste of time and energy that could be better spent live life to the extent of ones capabilities.
I’ve learnt it’s okay to break promises we make to ourselves.
Life doesn’t always go according to plan, or in the direction we thought it would take. It’s all a matter of adjusting to the path we’ve been given and making the calls that feel right in our heart of hearts.
I’ve learnt that my gut reaction and first instinct will always lead me in the right direction. Even if things don’t happen as we expected, there is always a lesson to be learnt and a bigger picture to see. It may not be visable now, but when we are able to stand far enough away and look from a distance, it will all seem clear.
I’ve learnt that you should put in the good fight for things we believe in.
It’s better to regret the things we have done, rather than those we haven’t.
To say those things in our heart, may not always be the easiest thing to do, and the reaction we get may not always be as anticipated, but it’s better than spending the rest of your life not knowing what could have been.
I’ve learnt what it is that inspires me. I’ve learnt of those qualities that I admire and want for myself. I’ve learnt when to ask for help. I’ve learnt of those friends who will always be there for me, no matter what time of the day or night.
I’ve learnt something, no matter how much we wish for them, will simply not happen. I’ve learnt that there are some things in life we just have to accept. I’ve learnt that I control my problems and not the other way around. I’ve learnt that converse sneakers without socks is not a good idea. I’ve learnt what I want in a partner. I’ve learnt that I want to spend my life helping other people to become inspired.
I’ve learnt that 2 bottles of Pepsi straight after one another is not a good idea before going to bed.
I’ve learned of who I am, what I want and the people I want surrounding me when I do it.
Morning by Prue E Jackson
The warm flare of sunshine
filters through the sheer curtains
light dances across the walls
shadows stippling the white cotton covers
They laze on the bed
Their bodies, dewy and bare
tangled and entwined
basking in the soft amber glow of dawn
Wolves in Wolves Clothing by Prue E. Jackson
The night is dark and the winds are cold
I feel my heart has been bought and sold
Traded by Princes of Promises Broken
To Jesters of Vows that all went unspoken
Hungry wolves who devoured and tore it apart
It seems love, now, has all but made its quick depart
Questions of self and what I was lacking
Traits of excess that sent them all packing
Those things that I did, these things that I said
That landed me here, alone in my bed
Where in my choices did I go so wrong
It’s left me so weak after being so strong
When will I find the one that is right
That will love me by day, who’ll hold me at night
No more Princes or Jesters or thieves
Who get what they want and then rapidly leave
All I want is a sign that there’s someone who’ll care
Because this empty heart is getting too much to bare