You too? Fuck, these advice blogs by us over opinionated, inflated sense of ego types are popping up everywhere, eh? In my opinion, what’s another voice in an other wise crowded market place, so I don’t think there’s situation to remedy.

I check my ex’s Facebook, like once a week, even though we broke up a few years ago. It’s not that I have any feelings for him, but curiosity always gets the better of me. Does this make me a total stalker?

Sluethy,
Melbourne

Sleuthy,

If that action makes you a stalker, then there’s a lot of stalkers out there, trust me. Look, there are some people who, once they’ve terminated a relationship, sexual, platonic or otherwise, with someone, they can just turn off any attachment they had to that person. I don’t know how they do it, and at times, I almost envy them in a way. But like you, I still wonder about certain people in my life and what became of them, so I’ll totally admit to having a poke around the ole FB to to find out how they’re doing. I say, as long as you’re not calling this dude in the middle of the night to hear him breathe, or bombarding him with messages, then you’re not stalking him.  Do keep in mind, that sometimes the Facebook reveals more about people than we’d necessarily bargained for, so be prepared for whatever you may encounter.

Dear Prue,

At what stage do you give a girl your number? Say, you’ve met her on an online dating site, talked awhile , found her to seem nice and interesting and want to know her more? I don’t want to come off too eager, you know?

The Beav,
Croydon

Beav,

My best advice is to use your best judgement and be up front. You don’t wanna go in for it too early, but I say, if the chat is flowing nicely and you’re getting along and you’re getting the vibe that the phone would be a great place to take it, then it doesn’t hurt to put your cards on the table and say “Hey, really enjoy talking to you and I hope you don’t think it’s too upfront, but would you be up for a chat on the phone?” If she tells you she’s busy at the moment, then offer up your number and let her know that if she ever wants to chat on the phone or a text volley, you’d dig hearing from her. That’s it. Don’t push it any further. Leave the ball in her court. Trust me, birds online get numbers thrown at them left right and centre. Hopefully, she’ll reciprocate but don’t be disappointed if she doesn’t straight away. She might wanna suss you out first. You’ll be able to tell by her reaction whether she’s keen or not. Fingers crossed Beav.

Dear Pruesaysit,

Once a week I go to my local takeaway to get some fish & chips.  There’s a woman there that I think fancies me and I’d like to ask her out.  For the last 6 months, everytime I go there, she tells me about how her boyfriend doesn’t care about her anymore and he’s always out with his friends, and she wishes she could find someone more like me.

The problem is, I feel a bit weird asking her out when she still has a boyfriend (as bad as he is) and also – I really love their grilled flake.  If asking her out goes pear-shaped, not only will I be embarrased and feel like a bit of a jerk, but I’ll have to find somewhere else to get my fish & chips.

What should I do?

Hey there,

Okay, first…I empathise with your situation. I know how hard it is to find a good fish and chip shop nowadays. Totally feel your concern for the grilled flake, should it all go pear shaped. I think next time she says she’d like a guy more like you, then you should say “Well, a guy like me would be totally ask out a girl like you… if she were single, that is” *Cue wink or cheeky grin* And just see how it flies. Then it’s out there. You’d ask her out if she was single. The ball is in her court. Worst case scenario, she’ll stay with her bf, but feel bad that she didn’t give you a go, and she’ll start to throw in a few extra potato cakes out of sympathy. So there’s potential for you to be a winner here, either way.
Just keep it flirty and fun and enjoy the flake in the mean time. PS. Small time plug for Nectas Fish n Chips in Mt Waverley! He’s awesome.

There’s plenty of other stuff that gets my motor running, I guess some of which would be classified as ‘fetishes’, but for some reason, whispering is always the first thing that comes to mind when the question of “What turns you on?” is asked. Telling people what turns me on has become easier with age. I used to be embarrassed by the admission that certain things aroused me, but with the passing of time and let’s be honest; the accessibility of related information online which makes you feel like “oh hey! other people dig this too! I’m not a dirty perv! or I am, but it’s okay because other people are too!”, I generally feel pretty comfortable in letting my partners know all the weird and wonderful things that turn me on. I obviously bring out that level of comfort in other people too, because wow, I’ve had people confess some pretty interesting stuff to me.

One of my favourites was Mr KG, who turned out to have a feeding/feeder fetish who begged me to stuff the Swiss Roll he’d spied on my kitchen counter earlier in the evening, into his mouth while I called him a little piggy. I obliged (Like you didn’t see that coming!)…to be honest, I hate Swiss Roll and it was going to go to waste, so why the hell not? The next thing you know, I’m shoving handfuls of sponge and jam into his mouth. All I could think of was the crumbs that were going to be in my bed after he left. And I couldn’t call him a piggy for the life of me coz the words just wouldn’t come out. I’ve called a lot of people a lot of things but ‘little piggy’ just felt insane and giggles were the only thing that escaped my lips in the end. He was a lovely guy, but his fetish was something he lived and breathed, and it just wasn’t my piece of cake.

No matter what gets your motor running, there’s always someone out there to relegate you back to your spot in the Vanilla to SuperPerve spectrum, by sticking their dick in a hot running motor. I was knocked off my ‘hardcore’ perch that night, but it did heighten my interest in other peoples kinks. I find them fascinating. So tell me, where do you fit on the Vanilla (1) to SuperPerve (10)?

Things To Be Considered When Creating a Dating Profile!

1. A photo that is an honest representation of how you look when you feel your best.
   In 2010, if you have access to the net and a PC on which to browse said website, and you expect a photo from others, then you have no excuse for not having a photo. A clear, not “photoshopped-to-the-shithouse”, recent photo of you. Ask a few close friends to nominate their fave photos of you. You’re more likely to get a more objective opinion then. If you find yourself needing to take a few photos specifically for the profile, then ask a good friend to take some candid pics of you.
   
2. A Good Username
   Pick a name that represents you and the kind of person you’re looking to attract. If you call yourself sexy anything, assume people are going to hit you up for a root. If that’s what you’re after, then go for your life, but if you’re after more than a fling, then calling yourself sexy, hot, spunk, horny or any variation of the word makes you look like a wanker. An interest, a nickname, a song title, even something that will get a laugh is a much better way to go.
   
3. Photo Don’ts
   -Don’t stand in front of the mirror with your shirt off, taking a photo with your mobile phone. You look like a wanker. Stop it. Look, I’m not speaking for all women, but seriously, a photo of  a dude in their boxer shorts or boardies isn’t essential. Personally, it makes me think you’re up yourself, self absorbed, going to spend more time primping than I probably will, and it kinda puts out that “I’m looking for a root” vibe, which like I said, is all good if that’s what you’re going for. If you’re looking for the kind of girl who’s going to appreciate you for more than just your Chuck Norris abs, then leave a shirt on.
   -No excessive use of “flattering angles”. You know the type I mean!
   -Don’t use a photo if it looks nothing like you. A $99 glamour shot of you from Exclusive Photography circa 2000 won’t cut it if you intend on actually meeting people without Vaseline smeared across their corneas.
   -Smile! It’s not a mugshot! You’re hoping to find a date, you don’t want a photo that evokes fear of being shanked in the cafeteria.
   -Don’t take ten photos of yourself in the same outfit, in varying poses and post them ALL. Mix it up, even if do have to stage a shoot  to get a recent photo, don’t make it too obvious.
   -No sunglasses indoors. Unless it’s a costume party, then it can be overlooked. Or those big over sized novelty types, they pass.
4. The following phrases are banned.
   -I love to go out, but I also like staying in. Wow, there’s a huge revelation, You like to go out and stay in.
   -I love to have a laugh. Who the hell doesn’t enjoy having a laugh? I’m pretty sure basic functions are a given,
   -I can’t believe I’m doing this! Dude, the only people reading this are on the same site anyway, You don’t have to justify it.
5. Set Yourself Apart From The Crowd
   You’ve got a photo and maybe the first 2 lines of your profile amongst a line up of 20 or so other people that all suit your demographic. Make your first line memorable. So picking the right profile photo and not having a line that people are going to roll their eyes at is imperative, or they’re not going to see all the other awesome stuff in your profile.
6. Don’t Leave Your Profile Too Brief
   Putting some thought into your written profile shows the person reading that you’re genuine and looking and willing to make some effort. We don’t need your whole life story, but certainly a collection of your interests and who you are and what you’re looking for with a word count higher than 100 words all up would suffice.,
   Tell us something that makes us want to message you. Tell us who you are. Be candid. People appreciate openness in such an otherwise anonymous forum. You don’t have to reveal everything, it’s good to leave a little mystery, but be honest about who you are and what you want in someone else.  If you leave it empty, don’t expect any results.
   
7. Don’t Do That Negative Thing
   There’s nothing more instantly repelling than an aggressive profile, from either gender. Just because you’ve been dicked over in the past doesn’t mean you should start off on the defensive. Keep your profile positive and light hearted,
   
8. Don’t Take It Personally
   Attraction is subjective, Just because someone is you’re type, doesn’t mean you’re theirs. If you like someones profile, don’t be afraid to let them know. Worst they can do is say no. Meh, so what? Some random person didn’t think you were their type. No biggie. New people join these sites all the time, so you never know when your luck might change. Don’t be disheartened by rejection, or putting yourself out there.
9. Show Your Interest
   So you like someones profile, and they accept you, awesome. Best thing to do is talk to them about something they’ve written in their profile, whatever it was that grabbed your attention. It shows you have bothered to take the time to read their profile and that you have a genuine interest in the person. Plus, people like to talk about themselves, so it’s always a good place to start.
   
10. Avoid Horrible Cliches
    “Good sense of humor”( GSOH ), “tall, dark and handsome”, “my mum says I’m good looking” and the ole classic “Down to Earth” (DTE). Try to avoid sounding like a classified ad from the local newspaper. You’re not paying by the fuckin letter. You’re not under any time constraint to get it online straight away, so take your time to craft something that sums you up in a few short paragraphs. And then ask a friend of the sex you’re seeking to read it over. Ask them to give you an honest opinion on how it sounds. You’d be surprised by the amount of interest a few male friends of mine have had after I’ve had a toy with their profile. Be open to constructive criticism. You can always update it later if it that approach doesn’t work.
    

So there you have it, my tips on creating a great online dating profile. I bid you all good luck in lust or love, whichever it is you seek!!

Hi! I’m missing the blog but loving the q & a! So I thought I’d throw something at you I’d been thinking for a while
I’ve been dating this girl for a year and a half now. We’ve always had a passionate relationship. Lots of fighting but lots of making up. My friends and family have never really been her biggest fans, so you can imagine how well it went down when we moved in together at Christmas. No one said anything outright, but I know no one was very excited about it. So we’re a few months into living together, and I’m starting to realise that maybe we made a mistake. The fighting has become more intense and the love making has almost run dry, all together. I’m realising she is a very selfish person. Have I dug myself in too deep now we’re tied in to a lease? Only a few months ago, we were talking about marriage, but if this is indication of what it would be like, it’s  never going to happen! Any ideas?
Drowning not waving,
Victoria

Given by the tone of your letter, it sounds like the ‘love blinkers’ are well and truly off. A sympathetic hat off to you for realising things aren’t working so soon. It’s always going to be better than dragging it out, that is, assuming your sure.
You obviously have been in love with this woman at some point to consider marriage, but believe me when I say,  you don’t know someone until you’ve lived with them. I’m sure plenty of my ex housemates would agree with me, those that still speak to me, that is. Could it be that you’re still adjusting to living with one an other’s quirks? Have you spoken about the increased fighting or lack of sex? Is one of you in a crappy place emotionally or physically, and that’s what’s creating the situation? Or in your heart of hearts, do you know you want out because she’s not who you thought she was? Lots of questions I know, but you wanna be sure.

I know not everyone will agree with this, but I think… it’s generally your family and friends who know you best. Think about the one person in the world who wants the least FROM you and the most FOR you, and ask them for advice. Ask your family why they feel so negatively towards this girl. Are their concerns valid? If they are, then definitely something to take into consideration. This is a time you need to be really horribly honest with yourself and I know it sucks, but honesty can be like that sometimes.

If you still want out, then think through in your head what you want to say to her when you tell her it’s over. Be prepared because when you live together, you want a break up to be as smooth as possible, as it equals less drama. Be honest, but in saying that, don’t say anything that unnecessary or unconducive to the situation. First, pick a time when you’re unlikely to be interrupted, and it’s just the two of you. Text, email, phone won’t cut it. Don’t take her somewhere in public really, most people don’t want to be dumped in front of an audience. Be sensitive with your timing. Let her know respect her enough to be completely honest with her and that you feel X, Y, Z (feel free to substitute for actual emotions) and that you feel the relationship can’t go any further/has run it’s course, whatever euphemism you find works for you. If she prods you for more information, don’t be callous to her emotions. Honest, but tactful. Give her time to take it in. She might want some time alone. She might be the angry type. You probably know her well enough to know what to expect if and when this conversation takes place. Let her know that you’d like to talk again, once you’ve both had time to process things. In the second conversation, you need to tackle the practical things like lease breaks, or if you’re happy to remain living together as friends, (although, beware it’s fraught with a whole new host of issues) and how you’ll divide any assets you’ve acquired together. Again, be sensitive, and use your best judgement. Don’t hassle her about what you’re going to do about the lease if she’s bawling and locked herself in the bathroom, obviously. But they’re certainly things you want to think of before you start the break up conversation because it can be very daunting trying to make those decisions rashly and in an emotional state.  Essentially, you want to break up with someone the way you’d want to be broken up with if it happened in reverse, with respect and empathy and as little anger as possible. Sure, feel those angry and upset emotions, but don’t bring them into the break up conversations coz that’s when shit flares up into arguments and all kinds of messiness.

Lots of luck with whichever decision you make

Prue

I’m 31 single and can’t find a date. Whats wrong with me?

I doubt there’s anything wrong with you, let’s start off there., There’s plenty of nice, normal, attractive, appealing people out there who feel that because that they’re single, there’s something inherently wrong with them. It’s a shame that couple-dom is almost like a validation of being a worthwhile person, coz it’s no indication of whether you’re a good egg or not, regardless of how it can feel sometimes. I’m sure we can all think of a number of people, who by any other name would be known as a wanker, who manage to acquire and maintain relationships. So, lesson number one, single does not mean there’s anything wrong with you.

There could be a a bunch of reasons you struggle to find a date, and given I’m not that psychic electric head Zolton from Big, I’m just gonna cover a few could-be contributors. Sometimes it’s the vibe you’re putting out there, sometimes it’s not knowing where to find people and for others, it’s a confidence thing. I’ve always thought of relationships kinda like searching for a job. You don’t just expect the perfect job to land in your lap. You put yourself out there, hand out your resume and make your best impression. Dating’s kinda the same gig, only with a better chance of getting laid.

You gotta get out there. I know it can be difficult and overwhelming but meeting new people is the first step in the right direction. Start to smile at people. If you see someone attractive, don’t be afraid to smile at them. It disarms people, and makes you seem approachable. There’s the organic, put yourself into situations with people who enjoy the same stuff way to go about it, ie: common interest groups, friends of friends, checking out your fave band. But if you’re not one of those people who find it easy to just approach people and start up a chat, then there’s the ole Internet dating, which seems to work better for some people. Keep your eyes peeled for an upcoming piece on how to go about creating a great online dating profile, but some pointers for now are; A) You’ve gotta have a photo; don’t use a shirtless pic if you’re a dude. If you’re a chick, try not to go to heavy on on the Myspace angles. B) Make your profile stand out by actually taking the time to fill it in properly. “Going out” and “staying in” are not interests, either is “having a laugh” coz fuck, who doesn’t like to have a laugh. Give people an indication of who you are as a personality, rather than just the generic ‘walks on the beach’ and ‘glasses of red’ response. Gimme a day or two and I’ll give you some examples

Quite possibly, the hardest part about finding a date is having the confidence to approach people, so looking good and feeling good in yourself are key. If you’ve been out of the scene for a while, try a new hair colour/cut, an outfit that makes you feel awesome and take a few mins at the end of the day to remind yourself that being open and confidant is the key to finding what you seek.

Try not to be discouraged by the word “no”. Everyone has different tastes, and there will be someone out there that thinks you’re the bees knees, so, as the ‘Cobra Marketing Group’ once advised me, every NO is one step closer to a YES statistically. Just try not to take the no’s to heart.

If I haven’t answered your question thoroughly enough, write back with a little more detail and I’ll see what I can come up with.

Lots of luck!

xox

I think most people have some sort of love/hate relationship with Valentines day. We all know it’s a revenue generating Hallmark holiday logically, but for some of us, that doesn’t make the feelings it evokes any less real. My own personal feelings about Valentines day depend on my how I’m feeling about myself on that Feb 14th, every year, regardless of whether I’m in a relationship or not. Some years, I get an attack of the ‘oh I feel like a loser’, other years I don’t give it a second thought, whether or not I’m in a relationship. Personally, I don’t want a dude to bring home some overpriced flowers one particular day a year coz he’s gonna feel like an arsehole if he doesn’t. Not really my scene. Personally I’d prefer a bunch on a day he knows I really need em. But I think like a lot of people, I have moments in life where I struggle with loneliness, partnered or not. Sometimes those two events over lap. I think it’s all about how much pressure you put on the day…coz really, it’s just another day and if you’re cool with being single on Feb 13th, why then, logically, should we feel shithouse about that fact the very next day. It’s a shame logic and emotion are such polar opposites. Do you feel differently about Valentines day depending on your dating status? Are you anti V day entirely? Or do you embrace the sentiments behind the day and do something sweet for your beloved? What did you do this V-day?

I’m 29 and single.  I would like to settle down soon with a partner, but there’s only one problem.  My job!  You see I work in the video games industry as a writer.  My job is to play through games and review them for the website I write for.  I’ve discovered that most people have an issue with it and don’t see it as real work and almost think my job is a joke, particularly women.  Being a writer, I’m articulate and think I make a good first impression with people.  Yet the moment women ask what I do for a living and how I spend my time (as a lot of my free time is spent playing games for work too) I’m viewed as immature and juvenile.  Despite being independent, I think this almost comes across as me being unwilling to grow up.

When meeting women, I’ve tried just saying “I’m a writer,” but when I inevitably go into more detail about what I do for a living (or explain why my house is full of video games and consoles) they start treating me differently and things get awkward shortly after.  How can I prove that the industry I work in isn’t just for kids.  It’s a professional job and I work hard at what I do, and love it…  Sometimes I feel like I’m almost battling a misconception society has about the industry I work in!  This can make me a bit defensive and when I try to justify myself, I feel like I perhaps come across as self-righteous and arrogant, which just makes the problem worse.  This has been going for the last 6 months that I’ve been dating again and it’s really getting me down.  Please help!

Disillusioned,

Hallam, VIC

Dear Disillusioned,

I say go ahead, tell the ladies exactly what you do. As the Prophet Wayne put it so profoundly, “I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she’s yours. If you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.” I’m using this to say, any girl who runs coz of what you do, isn’t gonna be the kind of gal you can hang around on the couch teaching how to play your favourite video game, is she? And obviously, with the amount of time you spend researching games, sounds like you’re gonna need a chick who’s at least sympathetic to the cause. Another gamer geek, perhaps? Also, be confidant when you tell people what you do. If you love your job, a girl is much more inclined to know why it fascinates you so much. Within reason obviously. Don’t harp on about how awesome your guild is, instead ask her round for a afternoon of some Playstation. Don’t get competitive andmake it a fun and pick games she’s gonna enjoy, rather than crap you’re gonna need to take ten years to explain. Then she’ll realise how awesome your job is and how lucky you are to get to do what you love.  Or, she’s the kind who just won’t dig it at all. And well, how would you spend your time then if you had a girlfriend who bitched at you every time you picked up a console controller? Miserably right? I’m sure there’s plenty of girls who are would be thrilled to find out you’re a writer of any kind, especially those girls sympathetic to gaming geeks, who’ll find you a total catch!! Good luck!

My husband wants us to have a 3some. It’s not that I’m not keen, in fact, I’m really turned on by the idea, but I don’t know who to ask? I have a girlfriend who I messed around with a few times in my mid 20’s, but things would feel kind of awkward I think. Should we go online to find someone?

Meat in the Middle, Hopefully

Yeah, you could do the online thing, but to be honest, it’s probably more trouble than it’s worth. Don’t ask your girlfriend. It might have been different one crazy night in your 20’s after a pub crawl and some joints, but it gets a bit blurrier when you’re married. My advice, see a professional. Discuss with your parnter what you’re looking for, both chose and both enjoy, and both walk away knowing that it’s done, no ties. There’s not that worry that can occasionally creep in after you ask a known friend to to get it on and they say no. With a professional guy or girl, you’d can exactly what you both want, guilt free and go home and enjoy the memory a few times over. It will be money well spent in not having the stress afterwards that can sometimes come with that territory. Once you get the feel for it, then go with your gut.  

Pruesaysit,

I recently found out my boyfriend had been cheating on me for several months. I’m seriously devestated. We’ve been together 6 years. He says he doesn’t love this girl and that he wants to be with me. He said he wouldn’t have any further contact with her if I stayed with him. He has since asked me to marry him. I didn’t give him an answer, I have no idea what to do?

LonelyGirl29

I don’t know him, I don’t know the girl, I don’t know the situation. I know at times we are bound between the rigerous rules of what’s right and what’s wrong in a relationship and where the boundry lays between the two. You have to figure out if you can forgive him and move on, because it’s easy for it to be a source of contention later during relationship arguments. You have to be willing to truly forgive and forget if you want it to work out. And then maybe look at the boundries you guys have and where the desire to be with other women is coming from. Otherwise, there’s the option to end 6 years worth of relationship. You gotta listen to your gut in these situations. There’s few things less devestating than expecting monogomy and having it broken, so listen to your heart, not what your girlfriends are telling you to do coz you have to decide if you want to be this guys wife.

Pruesaysit,

I’m the other woman in a guys relationship. I don’t know how to reconcilie myself to that? I never set out to be someones other woman, but it just happened and now I feel I’ve crossed a really shitty line. Is it shitty?

Other Woman

Otherwoman,

I get that not a lot of women grow up wanting to be a guys bit on the side, having to be satisfied with the scraps he has left for you, coz basically that’s what it is isn’t it? It makes a lot of women in the situation feel pretty crappy from going from that woman they always hated, to the woman who’d be scorned if they knew. The act was shitty, but that doesn’t make you a shitty person. You obviously feel remorse for the situation this affair has put everyone in and shitty people don’t think about it from anyone elses perspective. All kinds of people cheat. Good, bad, religious, rockstar, geek, they’re all just people and they’re all capable of a shitty choice. And you don’t have to be some temptress to be the other woman.
It’s not about whether it’s moral or not tor you to be the other woman, but whether it’s right for you? If it’s keeping you up at night or making you feel miserable more often than happy, it might be time to find someone with more time on their hands.