I talked for over an hour about growing up, when I first remember being depressed, a detailed account of suicide attempts and thoughts etc etc. You get the idea. Since I left my brain has been all frazzled and weird. I think it’s coz I spoke about stuff I hadn’t thought about for a long time. I need to defrag my brain for reals yo.

The highlight of my day was buying a 6 pack of Rio undies that contained a 7th pair I had stuffed in the packet. Lucky for me, I picked a check out girl who couldn’t give a shit, so it was bargains ahoy. What’s the bet Karma will bite me in the arse and I will shit my pants on the day I wear the stolen undies.

Btw, our poxy fake bouganvilla that I found on the hard rubbish collection cum Christmas tree made an appearance on the Morning Show yesterday with Larry Emdur. I shouldn’t be proud, but I am I’ll upload a photo for you all to gaze upon it’s tackiness.

Animals I want to own- Sphynx Cat (you know, the hairless ones?), Pug dog and a Chimp…perhaps not realistic, but damn, Chimps are fuckin awesome and who wouldn’t want one hangin around?

Book I really love- “Are You There God It’s Me Margaret?” by Judy Blume

Crazy Fear I have- Birds…ewww. Especially Magpies. They’re so swoopy. That is not cool.

Dating experience I’d rather forget- The guy who jizzed in his pants when he tried to acost me and then asked for a tissue…I slammed the car door in his face. Or the one where I ended up in hospital with food poisoning, that was pretty bad.

Enjoying- Savers 50% off everything day today!

Actually, I should really go and have a shower and get ready to go. Don’t want to miss any bargains haha. I’ll finish F to Z when I get home

I don’t doubt the fact that maybe James cared/cares for me, maybe even loved me. That’s a big maybe. But at some point, love can’t just be a word anymore. There needs to be an action behind it. Email is not an action.  Losing his shit because he can’t handle the ramifications of his decisions is not an action. Well, actually it is an action, but it was a shit one. Meh, you get where I’m going with this.

In all honesty, I’ve just kind of felt numb today. I don’t think it’s really hit me that it’s actually over. It’s hard to abandon the hope that things will work out. I used to be so sure, but now, well, not so much. Not at all, really.

I feel so stupid letting this happen again. Falling for men who are more interested in their self pity and booze than they are in me has become my signiture move.

You win again, Jim Beam.

This picture assures me that Biden would be a great titty jiggler.

After he fondled my wares, we would totally rock out in the garden with a shandy or two while I stared inadvertantly at his old man package.

Garfield in PJ’s having a snooze on my bed.

My awesome mid century dresser.

Meezer Salt and Pepper Shakers to keep my Hawaiian girl company.

To see the rest of my room/house, click here.

]]> http://pruesaysit.com/archives/685/feed http://pruesaysit.com/archives/684 http://pruesaysit.com/archives/684#comments Mon, 20 Oct 2008 23:57:34 +0000 Prue http://pruesaysit.com/?p=684 Nate wanted me to send him an email of what’s going on in my life right now. This is what I wrote;

Well let me see. Today is my 9th day on the Lexapro. I switched medications again after 2 months on the Luvox. It did nothing but make me sick and put me in a grumpy mood all the time. Mum said I didn’t even seem like myself while I was on it. So I went medication free for 7 days, which was surprisingly easy. I hadn’t been medication free in so long but it wasn’t as terrible as I imagined it might be. I’m not well enough to not take it, but it was interesting to see what I was like off it. Anyway, the last 8 days, I’ve vomited after eating or drinking anything. I’m kinda worn out. But yesterday I didn’t hurl once, which was a pleasant surprise.
Being off the Aropax has substantially improved my sleep pattern. I’m in bed by half ten most nights and up before 8am. I actually feel awake during the day, which is an awesome feeling. For so long, being awake during the day felt like I was walking in a fog. Now it’s bright and sunny and people are noticing the difference. Even my shrink.

Let’s talk about her shall we? She’s great. She’s noticed a big change in me since I came off Aropax. Although, the session prior to my last was a nightmare. I was an absolute mess. That day is what prompted me to get off the Luvox. I was having serious thoughts about killing myself and I was in tears and really, I was just a mess. It was the first time she’d seen me lose it. I just sat in her office and cried for most of the hour. I got off that medication the day after. Two weeks later, I was a different person. No thoughts of harming myself or feeling like I wanted to die… I felt calm. I still do. Yeah the vomiting’s a bit of a nightmare (I’ve so far vomited in the Richies Car Park, Mitre 10 carpark, Mum’s car, the front yard, the backyard, the garage, the parents house, Jo’s car) but I’m kinda used to it now and it sorta seems to have subsided. I want to give this medication a good go.

Monitoring my medication will be a Psychiatrist at Pine Lodge in Dandenong. I haven’t had an appointment with them yet, but I’m waiting for it. It won’t be to talk or anything really, just to monitor my meds and see how they’re going. I’m also doing the Personal Support Program through Skills Plus. Centrelink referred me there. I was really really nervous about it and cancelled the appointment 3 times before I actually went. It was while I was a complete mess. I finally told the lady at Skills Plus what was going on and how my meds were affecting me and she was really sympathetic. Most of her clients are on some sort of medication for mental illnesses as well so she understands what it can be like. I finally went and saw her and she was lovely. Very compassionate and understanding. She wants me to focus on getting my medication right and then I have another appointment in November to talk about how I’m feeling and what they might be able to offer me.

I told the lady at Skills Plus how I want to study. And I actually really do. I have found this course in Child Birth Education and Pre and Post Natal Doula (a birth partner) work that I’d love to do. I thought I’d have to wait til I had repaid Centrelink so I could borrow that 500 bucks from them, but they might be able to help me out with funding which would be awesome. It’s something I’m really passionate about and I think I’d be great at it.

At home, things are going well for the most part. There’s some drama at the moment about bills (not me, thankgod!) but apart from that, everything is good. The house really feels like home. It’s the kind of house I’m not embarrassed to have people over to and it really feels like an adult home. We’ve really taken lots of care to make it a comfortable, good looking, warm home. We had my folks and Laurens mum Pauline over on the weekend for lunch. We sat outside in the sunshine and ate fresh rolls and fruit and sipped on Lemon lime and bitters. It was the perfect way to spend an afternoon.

There’s no love life to speak of. James is apparently taking some time to get himself together, but I’m not sure how serious he is about it. You know the majority of stuff that’s gone on between him and I. It turned super dramatic 2 weeks or so ago, when he got really super trashed and told me he’d always loved me. He’d never told me that before. Maybe it was just that drunk kinda stuff that people say and then wake up in the morning and think “oh god, why did I say that?!” That wasn’t all he said that night. He said some horrendous things to me that night as well. Enough for me to realise that he needs to pull himself together before anything could possibly happen, and that I won’t have anything to do with him until he does. It’s been hard and I think about him every day but I know that’s it for the best.  Outside of James, there is no one. I’m just focusing on me for the time being. The complication of you know what wouldn’t be in my best interest right now, as much as my libido disagrees.

There ya go