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I swear, I own the two most ridiculous cats that ever lived.
So it’s that day that couples celebrate and singles bemoan once again. It’s all much of a muchness to me nowadays. It’s been so many years since I loved, or was loved that it’s really now just a day like any other.
About 12 months ago, I received an email from a friend of mine in which he confessed to admiring the fact that I had stayed single, rather than existing in a relationship that didn’t fulfil me. I got to wondering about whether I’d make a concious choice to be alone, or whether it was just fated that my love life dissolve like an Aspro Clear in a glass of water. I’m not alone because I want to be myself, but rather, not wanting to be with someone who I can’t be myself with. There have been so few people in my life that I really felt I could expose my true nature to. I’m all kinds of complicated and not everyone appreciates the complex. The few I have let in have run far away, as fast as their legs could carry them, and into the arms of those less intensely misanthropic and esoteric. That kind of reaction makes it difficult to motivate myself into believing that there would be a person who didn’t run, who wasn’t scared off by the kind of woman I am. And so, I’ve put up huge barriers in front of anyone who’s attempted to convince me they’d like to get to know me. Eventually people get sick of trying to scale a wall that leads nowhere, so they find another wall to scale. I don’t blame them for a second. I break dates, I ignore phone calls, I don’t respond to text messages or emails. Not maliciously…I guess I just don’t feel like people will be affected by my absence in their lives, if the truth be told. It’s not a concious decision, but rather one that stems from below average self esteem and a desire not to be hurt like I have been in the past. Which is stupid really, because it’s the loneliness and fear that causes the hurt these days. The loneliness isn’t in being alone, but rather the pain of not loving or being loved in return. There’s something so fulfilling about loving someone. My heart hasn’t ached with fullness for so long. I’ve forgotten the joy of what it is to love someone who seeks to love you in return.I fear that my heart might not be capable of opening like that for someone nowadays. Sealed shut for so long, I wonder if I’ll be able to pry it open again to give or receive ever again. I never used to be like that. I used to give love freely, assuring myself that high risk equalled high reward and one day I would find myself overwhelmed with the spoils of being open hearted. I want to feel like that again. I want to be a believer again. I don’t want to be admired for being alone, by those who have had the courage to actually risk love even when it has turned sour. So while I won’t be embracing any one this Valentines, perhaps what I will embrace is an open heart so that I might be in the right frame of mind to celebrate next year.
