pruesaysit.com

Feeling ‘Grey’

Sorry my last post was a bit dramatic. I was in a really bad headspace and it scared the crap out of me. I really just felt like I’d reached the end of my tether and I couldn’t take it anymore. Normally the sadness is like waist deep water, harsh at first but then you get used to it…but the other night it was like an unexpected tidal wave. It just hit me and I found myself flailing and gasping for air and I was all out of floaties.
Anyway, I wanted to say thanks to those good eggs who made contact with me to see that I was okay. It’s really comforting to know that there are people that care about me. I owe you guys.

I didn’t end up going to Mildura to see Nate, mostly because I was broke but also because I’m a notorious piker because of my anxiety. I let people down all the time because even though things seem like a good idea at the time, I stew on it and eventually by the time comes to do it, I’m overwhelmed with anxiety and I pike. By my own admission, this is a cunty thing to do but I can confidantly say that at the end of the day, I’m the one who’s more upset than the person I’ve let down. I carry around a lot of guilt about stuff like that. Fuck, I still even feel guilty about not going to Cobram with Teeds 3 bloody years ago. One day it’ll be nice to be able to say yes to something without worrying I’m going to let someone down in the end.

Things with James are fucked. And I don’t just mean a soft dicking, I mean hardcore up against the wall panty ripping fucked. Tonight his friends told me how much hotter they were than me and had a good laugh at me on webcam while we were supposed to be talking. Don’t ask, it’s hard to explain the scenario, but essentially it made me feel like a right ugly cow and if they’re the kind of girls he goes for, then I have about the same chance with him as monkeys have of flying out of my anus.

I’m still seeing my Shrink. Obviously, from the post I made the other day and well, let’s be honest, the tone of this one too…it’s not working that fucking brilliantly. I’ve officially learned zero coping skills. It feels pretty fucking useless and all it’s doing is gulping down my parents money with fuck all results. God that sounds really negative. Don’t get me wrong, I really like my Shrink but we just chit chat, and at 200 bucks an hour, you’d wanna be seeing some results and I don’t see any. I’m nearly 12 sessions in and I don’t feel like I’m able to cope any better than I did before I started. I don’t know what I expected. I know I’ve been sick for a long time and it’s gonna take a lot of work to make things better, but shit… Meh, I’m just rambling.

It’s not all bad, fuck, I’ve made things sound like I’m gonna knock myself off. I’m just going through a bit of a rough patch.

If you want to know something most cute and excellent though, you should comment or email and I will share it with you. I can’t post it here because due to some 6 degrees of seperation kinda set up, I’m worried someone I don’t want to see this will, and it could cause some issues for me. It’s nothing huge so if you can’t be arsed, that’s fine too. I’m not knocked up/getting married/dying… it’s just something that’s brought some light into my life and I’d like to share it with you. Sorry to sound so fucking cryptic. I’ll explain if you ask.

Bag of Shit

I feel like shit.  I don’t have the energy to bore anyone with specifics, but I’m going to bed to cry. I haven’t felt this bad in a long time.

A billion thoughts condensed into one.

I wish I made him feel like Gorecki 2mins26secs. I wish I could take him so far away, somewhere guilt and expectation and the past ceased to exist and it was only the two of us, raw emotion and a bottle of lube.

You can pinpoint the very moment his heart breaks! -Bart Simpson

It’s been a cunt of a 24 hours. The night before last, I upped my medication for the first time and yesterday I spent feeling anxious and all kinds of gross. Perhaps I don’t need more, maybe I just need a different medication. Anyway, I spent the night tossing and turning feeling like I was gonna hurl. I ended up sleeping til 3pm.

There was email from James when I woke up. Normally this is a good thing, today…not so much. He took exception to me sleeping with someone and it turned into all kinds of horrendeous back and forth email blows. I’m pretty confidant he thinks I’m a slut. He says that wasn’t his intention but I’m pretty confidant he knew exactly the reaction it would get from me. For years his excuse has been his girlfriend. Now he’s single, he doesn’t really have any more excuses and yet still, nothing. I told him I was tired of pretending to be delighted with the scraps he would throw me so as not to rock the boat. To be honest, I don’t even know what to think. He started going on about how he was happy for me to have found someone etc etc…all the bullshit crap you tell someone you don’t like to absolve yourself of guilit for leading them on.
I’m so mad about what he said in his email. When I read it, my jaw just fell open and I felt gutted. And his emails sounded so happy, so fucking relieved he was finally rid of me. That’s the bit that hurt the most. He just sounded so happy to have me out of his life. It’s done and over and my instincts were once again so far off the mark that I should really just consider investing in Duracell and buying a crate of cats.

I really can’t adequately describe how sad I feel right now.

Back to the Blog

I finally found the motivation I needed to start blogging again. I had so many problems with my database, but thankfully for me, the guy at the Webhosting place loaded the backup from July, and it seems to be unaffected by the shitty spyware that infiltrated my SQL database. Yay!! Now I don’t have to fuck around trying to remove the affected entries! Why didn’t I just email my webhost in the first place? lol I’m such a cock. End geek ramble.

Let me try and organise this post into topics…

New House- So the move came and went, and I managed to escape with my bond intact. There was talk of VCAT but he’d have lost, so he decided against it. We moved into a 4 bedroom plus study double story house only minutes from our last residence. It’s a really great place and about a thousand times better than any of the other places we looked at before here. I’m so glad that we didn’t get any of the other places we applied for, because all of them were far too small for 4 chicks, 2 cats and a dog. We’ve got heaps of room here for everyone without being on top of eachother, so it’s worked out really fortunately, given that as soon as we moved in, Loz, Jo and Squish all got boyfriends! We’d never have been able to fit 7 ppl in any of the other houses we saw.

You can see Chloe Dog and Muffy cat chillin on the couch in the loungeroom above.

Mum- It was my Mum’s 50th Birthday at the end of July and to celebrate the milestone, she threw herself out of a plane. Personally, I’m more a cake kinda person, but Mum had an awesome time and she loved it and she wants to do it again and again. Here’s a link to the video of the day on Youtube.

Medication/Anxiety/Depression- I changed medications just over a month ago. Coming off my old Anti-Depressants (Aropax/Paxil) was an absolute nightmare. I spent weeks feeling sick and gross, wishing I was a bear so I could go into hibernation for the duration. My new medication seems to be okay, but I haven’t worked out the right dosage yet. I mean I feel okay, but there’s very few peaks or dips. I also have trouble dealing with feeling frustrated…I’ve either snapped or just totally isolated myself. Maybe it’s not the right medication for me, but I want to give it a good go before I discount it. Perhaps I just need the dosage tweaked a little bit? I’m going to speak to my doctor about it this week.
In other medical news, I also had my Implanon replaced. I’ve sorta broken out in zits since I had it put in 2 or 3 months ago, but apart from that, it’s been smooth sailing on the contraceptive front.

Love/Sex- I don’t even know what to write in this bit. If I had a clue, I’d tell you. There is some sex though, which is always good. After waiting over a year, it was good to get back in the saddle. He’s a nice guy and we have fun together, but our hearts are both elsewhere.

Other Stuff- I’m going to Mildura to visit Nate in a week and a bit. I haven’t seen him since we moved into the new house, so I have missed him heaps and am looking forward to heading up there and hanging out for a few days. I’m totally hanging to go fishing.

That’s about all I have at the moment, but it feels good to start writing again.

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