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Bakers Delight or Brumbies… You chose.

March 29th, 2008 | 3 Comments | Posted in Feeling Crap, Heartbreak, Lust

So the Shrink went awesomely, but I will post about that tomorrow.

Right now, I’m just feeling really down about the whole situation with this guy I like. I finally sucked it up enough to put an end to it coz I didn’t want to go through the same bullshit I did with MulletAdam and DW. I had to put an end to it, not because I don’t adore him, but because it was just going around in circles and it was never going to end up with us trying to make it work. It would seem like a possibility at times…sometimes it felt like it was really in reach, but then nothing. Well, no, not nothing…we’d both get angry and pissed at each other and then we’d give each other the silent treatment and then it would start again. I’ve done that in the past and it got me nowhere. It just brought me a whole lotta heartache and so I put my foot down and ended things. But no…of course he contacts me telling me how much it hurts. If it hurt that much, he’d do something about it. And yeah, the scenario between us might not be ideal, but when is it ever? I heard the same bullshit from MulletAdam for years, when really it was his way of trying to keep me interested so he could have his cake and eat it too…this guy has done exactly the same thing. Either eat your cake at home and enjoy it, or find a new bakery.
The worst part is, I feel like the biggest cunt in the world writing all of these things. I know it will hurt his feelings if he reads it, but I’m sick of looking after everyones feelings but my own. And right now, I’ve got a metric fucktonne of feelings for this guy who I really thought cared for me and wanted to be with me, that I have to start reigning in and packing away or else it is going to eat me up inside, so excuse me if I sound like a narky bitch.

T minus 18 hours and counting…

March 26th, 2008 | 4 Comments | Posted in Shrinkapalooza 2008

Well, tomorrow marks the date of my first appointment with the new Shrink. I’m simultaneously nervous, excited, optimistic, pessimistic and scared shitless. I know I don’t really have a valid reason to be nervous as I’ve met this bird before and she’s nothing but fantastic, but there’s a difference between standing around chatting about my new hair colour and dumping all my neuroses on this poor woman.

The thing I’m most concerned about is having to talk about issues and memories I’d rather not have to think about. I’m sure Homer Simpson is on to something…“Lisa, the best thing for your mother to do is suppress her fear. Push it deep down inside so that she’ll never annoy us again.”
I mean, I’m not hiding any huge secrets, but I guess I’m going to have to talk about how I feel about myself, my actions and the actions of other people in my life, and I’m not sure I’m ready to do that. I’ve had some pretty low times in the last ten years and I’ve had some really dark thoughts and it’s going to be hard to talk about all of those things without having to relive those emotions.

Tomorrows session will also be the beginning of the end for Aropax. I’m doing the therapy as an aid to help me to come off Aropax and find a more suitable anti-depressant, one that doesn’t leave me devoid of all motivation, proper sleep patterns and mojo. While I’m excited about the prospect of the return of all of those things, I’m also terrified. Aropax was my saviour when I was so low I couldn’t even see myself still being alive at 26. It’s been my best friend and my worst enemy. I’m scared that whatever I take next won’t work as well as Aropax has, and I will become the anxiety ridden Prue I was for so long. What if it’s like when I swapped Aropax for Cipromil and I ended up Agoraphobic for 18 months? I was so fucked up, I couldn’t even sleep upstairs in the bed with my boyfriend. Instead, I’d sleep on the couch most nights because I felt safe in the lounge room and the bedroom would fill me with anxiety. In fact, the whole upstairs of our house did. How’s that for screwed up? So as you can see, they weren’t good times and I’m certainly not keen to revisit them, which is why this change in medication is such a big deal for me.

My mum thinks I need to think positively, and that if I keep thinking of the worst case scenario, then I will be jinxing myself from the start. But I guess, I need to think of the worst case scenario to get me through it. It’s hard to explain, but if I can see the absolute worst outcome ever and know that I can manage it, then anything else doesn’t seem so scary. Plus, I don’t want to get my hopes up too high. I don’t expect this to be some magic cure all and mental illness will probably be something I will struggle with for the rest of my life, but I obviously want some sort of improvement in my quality of life. I would be so disappointed, bitterly so, if I did all this work, failed and I hadn’t contemplated the risk of it not working. I guess I’m living by the motto “Aim Low, Avoid Disappointment” when it comes to this whole thing.

Anyways, I gotta go and get some sleep, so wish me luck for my appointment. I plan on keeping track of my progress in my blog, so I’ll keep you updated.

2.50am… 28 degrees… Numbered List…Too Hot…

March 13th, 2008 | 1 Comment | Posted in Rant, Things that are awesome

1) It’s far too fucking hot to do anything. Fat Pasty White Girls do not bode well in 40 degree heat.

2) I officially hate my Real Estate Agent, My Landlord and Sara “I’ve got a bitch of an attitude” Property Manager. You can all eat a turd sandwich, fuckers.

3) Only a week til my new Shrink appointment. I’m starting to get nervous.

4) Where the fuck has all the weed gone? I have a hankering for chillaxing but I don’t know any guys who know a guy. Do you know a guy?

5) A Johnny Holmes sized jeer to the pimple that has erupted on the side of my face. *thumbs down*

6) A small glimmer of joy was brought to me, this week, by way of 36 Faber Castel Textas. So pretty!

7) I’m super broke. C’mon with the money, Nate. I’m tired of waiting.
I have WHITE BITS on all my nails! I’ve been a chronic nail biter since I was a kid, but the past 2 weeks I’ve been growing them and now I have about 2mm of white on each nail. Even though I’m super excited coz they don’t look so hideous anymore, I’m still remarkably tempted to bite them off just to satiate my urge.

This is all the effort I can muster up at this point. My minds temperature gauge is starting to overheat.

Sweet Merciful Crap in a Bucket

March 4th, 2008 | 2 Comments | Posted in Annoyed, Aspendale, Cunt of the Week, Home Life, Online Friends

I know that most of the following rambling is completely incoherant, but I was so mad when I wrote it that my fingers momentarily disconnected from my brain! It was an email to Nate to update him about the absolute stupidity of the Real Estate agent we rent through. We put in an application for a new housemate nearly 2 weeks ago and we’ve still not heard back, even after I’ve called repeatedly. Although a guy has moved in upstairs (think John Jarret in Wolf Creek! ARGH!) and he put in his application days after ours and had his approved. And then I start going on about repairs to the heater, which hasn’t worked for months.

I”M SO FURIOUS at the real estate. I’m about to lodge a complaint with them with the residential tenancies i think.

I just got off the phone at 3.56pm (this is for you and my own records!) where Sara said I was being “ridiculous” then she went back on it after I said “EXCUSE ME?”
She was incredibly rude, raised her voice to me, told me “She can’t just say to the owner, are you approving their application and get an answer in Ten minutes” and I said “well it’s hardly been ten minutes has it? Am I supposed to wait indefinetely?” ANd she told me i was being ridiculous!!!!

She said that the landlord doesn’t have to approve anyone they don’t want. They don’t know if they want another person living here.
I said that’s not what the tenants union of Victoria say. I said the Tenancy act says

Tenants cannot assign or sub-let without
the landlord’s agreement. However, the
landlord cannot unreasonably withhold their
consent. If the landlord withholds their
consent, the tenant can apply to the Tribunal
for an order that the consent of the landlord
is not required.

She said that’s not true and they don’t have to approve anyone they don’t want to and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Then she said she could print it out for me if i like?

And I said well while you’re at it, you can print out the part on urgent repairs…..which include but are not limited to having a working heater!

And she said that it would cost over 1000 dollars and I questioned how she knew that, given that the heater is less than 12 months old, should be under warranty and they don’t even know what’s wrong with it, so I don’t see how they could “assume” it will cost over 1000. She said given how expensive it is, she can’t approve it. The landlords don’t want her to approve any maintenance unless they know about it.

I said well it should have been fixed within 3 days of us first mentioning it. it qualifies as an urgent repair. She said no it doesn’t and that it costs too much. I said “No one has even come out here to look at it, so HOW COULD THEY KNOW HOW MUCH IT IS?” And she said “well, i’ve seen plenty of heater repairs and that’s how much it costs”!!!

And then I said, “Is there a supervisor of yours I could speak to please?”
And she said “Why do you want to speak to my supervisor!?”
And I replied that she’d been nothing but rude and completely unhelpful with our situation. She’s given us absolutely no feedback. If she had called JUST ONCE or replied to ONE EMAIL, it would have smoothed a lot of tensions but she hasn’t even been bothered to do that. I’ve called about 20 times in the last 3 weeks, left copious amounts of voice mail messages, emailed and the 2 times I got onto her, she said she didn’t know what was going on and she’d call the landlord to find out. No further response. No indiciation of what was going on! No “look, the landlords aren’t sure about the application, so they’re just going over it, it shouldn’t be long til you have a decision” NOTHING. She’s been so rude to me every time I call.

I”M FURIOUS.

So yes, that’s the email that I managed to purge most of my rage into while I cried with frustration. Then, I had a falling out with James, just for good measure. So really, today has been fucking swell.

“I know I appear calm, but let the record show that I am expressing my outrage at this situation”

Bakers Delight or Brumbies… You chose.

T minus 18 hours and counting…

2.50am… 28 degrees… Numbered List…Too Hot…

Sweet Merciful Crap in a Bucket

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