What the Fuck…Make Your Move
Wow, so it’s almost 2 months since I last wrote which is officially the longest I’ve ever gone without blogging. I’ve thought about writing here so many times but, in all honesty, lacked the motivation to write. And when I was inclined to write, I didn’t actually have a PC because my motherboard died in the arse.
So, while I was away from the blogging caper, I did the following things;
-Smoked a lot of weed. And seriously, I loved every minute of it. It gave me clarity I hadn’t had in years. I’ve spent the last few years in a medicated fog that has robbed me of motivation and excitement and creativity. Smoking weed made me feel passionate again, and even horny, which was a state of mind I hadn’t experienced in so long. I wrote, I sang, I drew, I thought about the big issues in my life…which brings me to my next point…
-I’ve decided to change my medication. I’ve taken Aropax for so long now and existed in a stagnant position, going neither forward nor backward. I have nothing but praise for the anti depressant that managed to bring me so far, but I need more from my life than to just merely exist. It’s hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t experienced it, but when my life had spun out of control and I was completely Agoraphobic, I never ever imagined that I would be well again. When I started taking Aropax and I managed to start to turn things around a little bit, I was just so grateful that I could leave my house again that I was content to live a life with disrupted sleep patterns and contant lethargy. I figured my life was so much better than I ever thought it would be, that I would rather life a life of mediocrity than face trying another medication and risk losing everything I’d worked so hard to achieve the past few years. My ultimate fear is ending up back where I was not so long ago. But I’ve come to realise that this is not the life I desire, I’m tired of settling and the only way I can hope to improve it is to risk losing it all. So about a month ago, I spoke to Nate and my mum about it and went to the doctors with their blessing and safe in the knowledge that if the shit hits the fan, they know what to do. I’ve had no hesitations in telling them both, that if I start to lose my marbles, they’re to take me to Monash Psych Unit. I know what I’m like when I’m at the pits of despair, and I know that it any actions or words that might come as a result of coming off my current meds or beginning new meds will not be the words of someone who wants to take control of their life. I don’t want to hurt anyone or myself, so I’m fully prepared to end up there if that’s where I need to be. This is all just the worst case scenario, but I needed to know that people wouldn’t hesitate to act accordingly if I lose my shit. Best case scenario is that I try a new medication and it works well and I manage to regain control of my sleeping patterns and motivation. I hope that this is one step closer to the life I’ve always envisioned for myself. You have to gamble big to win big.
-I’ve thought a lot about the men I constantly find myself falling for. You know what, I’m over it. The only sex I’ve had in the last 12 months was with MulletAdam, and he used me like a cheap Thai hooker with emotions for currency. The thought of sex after that encounter left me feeling empty and terrible. And then there’s the whole James issue, although it’s obviously no longer an issue for him as I’ve heard nothing from him in months. I really believed that there was something there, so I put myself out on a limb and got nothing but silence and regret on his part. Let’s face it, if either of these guys truly wanted to be with me, they would be. You can complicate it with as many issues as you want, but at the end of the day, they either lack the emotions or lack the balls and that’s just not good enough for me.
They’re the 3 major things I’ve dealt with over my sabbatical. And it feels good to have them sorted. I really want to venture into 2008 with a renewed hope that my life will work out if I apply myself to making the hard decisions I’ve put off for so long. I plan on tackling things head on rather than letting circumstances control me. I’m sure I’m going to have to re-read this entry a million times in the new year to reinforce all the notions I’ve spoken about, but that’s okay. I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time. And this is the kind of hope that doesn’t require me to wait on anyone elses emotions but my own. It’s simultaneously daunting and exciting at the same time. It might have taken me years to finally get to this point, but I’m okay with that. I’m tired of living with everyone elses expectations of who I should be. If I’d done this to appease other people, it’d have been pointless and lacked committment. I’m the only one I have to please from now on and that’s something I need to remember in the coming year.
Every now and then say, “What the fuck.” “What the fuck” gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity. Opportunity makes your future. - Risky Business 1983