pruesaysit.com

Where’s the worm?

Look at me! I’m an early bird today! 7am and I don’t even have bed hair. Indeed, I feel it’s going to be a good day!

Last night, Michael came over and stayed. We’d planned to watch a movie, but when we finally put it on, after a visit to Safeway and much arsing about, the power went out. It stayed out for ages!
So we sat by candle light while he chewed his Nicorette gum and I smoked my ciggies and talked about our respective ex-factors. We talked untili about midnight, then decided the power wasn’t returning any time soon, and went to bed, where we talked some more. It made me laugh that he’s like me in his ’sleeping next to someone’ routine, whereby he warned me that he snores really loudly and moves heaps and does those jumpy things occasionally. I normally hate having to warn someone about the fact I do all those things before I sleep next to them, but if I don’t I’m afraid they’re going to freak out! Plus, I think it’s good form to warn someone in advance if you’re a renowned snorer.

Thankfully his snore wasn’t as painful as I imagined it would be, and given that I’ve had some fairly extensive experience as a girlfriend of snorers, I barely heard it. I was more worried I was going to wake him with my snorning! I quizzed him this morning and he said he only heard me snore a little bit. Thankgod! Otherwise he’d never see me as girly again, given that I emit some sort of angry chainsaw noise during my slumber.

I had a really good time last night, even though we didn’t really do that much. It was just cool as to hang out with a newish friend and find it so comfortable. I like that we can just kinda sit in relative silence and not feel awkward. That rocks.
I was telling my friend James yesterday about how refreshing it is to make a new friend as an adult, because generally, being an adult can be quite isolating. It’s a lot harder to make friends than it was back in the day. In turn, I’ve really appreciated finding someone with so much in common and who is so easy to be with.

Speaking of James, good luck with whatever happens today. Either way, you will be okay.

Nate is home again, home again, jiggidy jig tonight. Not sure if I will see him though, as I’ve got my shrink appointment early tomorrow morning and may be in bed when he gets home from the airport around midnight.

Will be nice to have him home.

What Wobbys World was to Theme Parks, as is Pruesaysit to the Blogging World.

So I tried all weekend to be a good egg about the whole MulletAdam thing. I did housework, now the house is all prettied up. I went out for dinner with my mum, which was delightful. I tried to chisel ice out of the back of the fridge, which resulted in the fridge ending up royally rooted. I put a whole in the back of the fridge where the gas pipe is and now it needs to be repaired. I cut my fringe. And through it all, I’ve tried to appear stable and unaffected and happy. The truth is, I feel like shit inside. I feel so many different emotions…hurt, angry, pissed off… actually, I’m only feeling 3 emotions, and I just named them all. The rest of them were only going to be synonyms for those words.

Even my dream about Bea Arthur couldn’t shift the crap feelings in my heart. Sure, it brought me a few minutes of light hearted amusement, but once I’d stopped laughing at the thought of Dorothy Sbornak in my dream, I started thinking about how pissed I was at MulletAdam. Jeez, I’ll bet Bea Arthur would kick his arse if she met him. She seems like the kind of woman you wouldn’t wanna fuck with. She has been cursed with what I call “Bitch Face”. Doesn’t matter how nice a person you are, if you have a Bitch Face, people are always going to think you are a hardarse.

But I digress. MulletAdam has left me feeling like I want to punch him in the fucking nose. I’d waited 3 years for the night we had. And then he says he’s struggling with everything. I understand that. He’s about to leave for Singapore, has to think about what he wants from me, of us, whether he wants to leave his relationship ( yes, I know…I’m a cunt) and he’s got 3 days to do it in. I get that. But then nothing. I message. He doesn’t reply. It’s not like he’s not getting them, or they weren’t messages that didn’t require an answer. They were definetely answerable texts, but he just ignores them. Now, I’m kinda used to this. Generally if the message requires some thinking on his part, he will deliberate on a reply for several days. But nothing. So now I’m not only hurt, but I’m angry and feeling like a psycho, coz the more he ignores my messages, the more I send. I know, I know…but trust me, I’m not going all Glenn Close on his arse….. He doesn’t even have a bunny!

I’m pissed off because he’s treating me like an arsehole. I’ve said to him “If I wasn’t what you wanted me to be, that’s cool. All you have to do is say the word, and I’ll understand you’re not interested and move on”, but that’s too fucking hard to reply to. 
Anyway, so now he’s probably in Sing-ga-poooor and feeling like an arsehole, I’ve no doubt. I know him. I know he’s feeling guilty and like a prick and confused. He knows I know him. I think that’s why it pisses him off so much. Whatever. I feel pissed off coz I”m feeling guilty about only giving him three days. But it’s not 3 days. He’s had 3 fucking years to figure out what he wants. I know it’s about more than sex, or else we’d have fucked ages ago. I know he loves me, he’s told me. I know he feels like an arsehole, he’s told me. I know he’s a pussy, he’s told me. He can admit to all of it, but can’t do anything about it. I know he’s scared of hurting people, but shit, he’s doing that already now, regardless of whether they know about it or not. He’s scared of letting people down. All these fears that just leave him totally unable to do anything about what he wants. His lack of balls gives me the irrits.

Bah, my ramblings are all over the place. Sorry. It’s just that I have 3 years worth of opinions and feelings, and now they’re all flooding my brain. 3 years worth of love and annoyance and guilt and excitement and making excuses for him and making excuses for my own feelings and behaviour. I’ll try and make my next entry a little more comprehensible, I promise.

I’m just tired of everything. How do I make these feelings stop?  

Bitch, Please!

Last night I dreamed that I watched ‘Unsolved Mysteries’ with Bea Arthur.
And she was looking gooooooood! What. The. Fuck!?

Poxy Poem

So last night I was laying in bed thinking of cockhead and I text him the following, coz I am a super lamo;

I fear I may have lost,

the one thing I never had,

a love I tried to capture,

a lover that drove me mad,

It’s never felt as final,

as it does right now,

I’d work a lifetime to revive it,

if only I knew how,

His kiss, his eyes, his firm but gentle touch,

his smartarse sense of humour that makes me laugh so much,

I wish he understood

the way I feel inside,

To hold his hand in sunshine,

where neither have to hide,

And so I’ll send this text,

and hope for a reply,

I’ll miss my cowboy so much,

I hope it’s not goodbye.

Worst poem ever. But it was sweet, and I meant every word of it.
And before you ask me, no he didn’t reply. Not yet, anyway, but I’m not holding my breath. Regardless, I suspect his on his way to Sin-ga-pore as I type this.

I have the house to myself today. Nate is in QLD visiting his family and everyone is is in Torquay for the day. I’m about to call my mum and see if she wants to do something, given that dad is away til Sunday. Maybe we can hire Top Gun and recite all the words along with the film…coz that’s what we do.

Curb Your Maliciousness

Speaking of bitching, I ran across the well hidden journal of someone I used to know. I thought that we harbored no ill will toward eachother, had moved on, and wished eachother the best of luck for the future…I was wrong. It’s a shame this person can’t move on and enjoy the wonderful things in their life. They have some great things going for them, and I wish them all the happiness they desire. I hope they can do the same for me too.

I feel good wishing this person a happy life, as they have been through some really rough times. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no Saint, that’s for sure, but after making my ‘no bitching’ resolution, I’ve felt so much better. I’m able to let go of old grievances, granted the situation with this person hasn’t concerned me for 12 months or so now. But other grievances, other annoyances and bitterness I’ve felt towards people, past and present, has sort of just melted away. I’m not sure where it’s gone? Perhaps this resolution along with my new years promise, that I would be more assertive when it came to the way others treat me, has given me some sense of control. Being able to stop things before they spiral out of control is now something I can manage with my actions and thoughts. Maybe it’s this that makes me happier and in turn, I’m able to curb my negative energy output.
Who knows? It’s all starting to sound a bit convoluted…but I promise, it makes sense in my head.

I don’t wanna play this game anymore

Fuck knows I was right about what I wrote last night. That’s exactly what I did. I lay there thinking of him and what I mean to him, if anything. Was I what he expected me to be after all this time? I’m scared I haven’t lived up to his expectations. Did he even have expectations? Did he care enough to have expectations? Am I sitting here analysing every second of Friday night while he’s at home non chalantly jerking off to a stick mag? Has he thought about me, like I’m thinking of him? Is it over? Has it just begun?
I’m so confused and consumed by insecurity and guilt. Was Friday night enough for him to know what he wants? Or has it confirmed for him that there’s nothing there between us?
How can something feel so right, yet so wrong at the same time? I just need a fucking answer.

The Moody Blues

So much I want to write, but I don’t even know where to start. I want to write all about MulletAdam and how confused I am by my feelings. How can something feel so right but be so wrong? Since I saw him on Friday night, every time I think of him I get this strange foggy feeling in my body. I don’t know how to explain it. I feel overwhelmed when I think of him. My mouth goes dry. I feel sick in the stomach. I keep picking up my phone to text him, but I don’t know what to write. I’m not sure what I want to tell him. I’m lying, I know what I want to tell him but I can’t get the words down. How do I tell him everything I have in my heart?

I’m going to go to bed. I imagine I’ll lay there thinking of him and I’ll pick up my phone and start to send a message, but will delete it and try again. After a few goes, I’ll give up and put my phone back on the bedside table and go to sleep wishing that he was laying beside me.

Still shocked

Last night he was here. In my room.

It still feels surreal.

Magical.