Gym
Who’d have thought that Pilates would be so strenuous?!
God, I think Nate and I sweated a litre each! My muscles hurt today. Don’t tell anyone, but I kinda like it!
13kg til I buy new stuff!
March 21st, 2006 | 3 Comments | Posted in Depression and Anxiety, Mullethead, Nate, Nostalgic, Weight Loss
I’ve been up and down a lot lately. My emotions seem to swing so quickly it’s hard to gauge how I’m going to feel in 10 minutes time. I guess it’s because things are changing and I don’t deal with change particularly well.
I went and saw a Pyshologist at Centrelink recently. I’d had about 10 appointments with her that I piked on before actually turning up for this one.
I was terrified of turning up and finding some Corporal Punishment bulldyke that had absolutely no understanding of what it’s like living with Depression and Anxiety, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. She was lovely, she listened, she praised me on my efforts and what I’d overcome, she actually seemed to understand and empathise with my situation. We discussed my desire to work again, and she said that while she didn’t want me to work right now, she did make an appointment for me at this CRS Employment Agency in June. Until then, she wants me to organise some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to combat some of the negative stuff I tell myself frequently. I’m really looking forward to the CBT and working again in the near future.
In the last 3 weeks, I’ve lost 7kg. I’ve been pretty amazed to be honest. I’m starting the Gym on Friday. While I’m excited, I’m also hoarding this anxiety about sweating it out in front of gorgeous people. And what happens when I lose more weight? I’ve never been anything but a “fat chick” before. While I don’t anticipate becoming a ‘thin’ girl, I’m not sure I’m going to know how to act as an average size. I’m scared I’m going to have trouble meeting people because inside I’ll constantly be thinking “Would they have wanted to know me when I was fat?”. I know they’re all ridiculous worries, but it feels better now those worries have been purged.
Nate has a new girlfriend. I’d be lying if I said it had been an easy transition. It’s been tough. For the last 6 months we’ve done everything together, and now there’s someone he’d rather be with. I think it’s a case of being jelous because he found it so easy to get over it all and move on to some new and improved model. I’m jelous that he has someone and I don’t. I’m annoyed that I got the defunct depressional model, and she’ll get the chemically improved version. I’m sad that he gets to be with someone he wants, and the man I want wants nothing to do with me it would seem.
I sent that particular man a text message the other day, when I felt like everything was caving in on me and falling apart at the seams. Unbelievably he actually replied. And called. But I missed his call. I didn’t call back, but texted a response. But it appears his reply was perhaps, a momentary weakness, and he’s since corrected it, leaving my further 2 msg’s unanswered. For a brief moment in time, I actually believed he cared about me.
Greg and I were almost in a car accident on Friday night, as a result of some insane maniacs road rage. After he cut us off, Greg yelled out my window at him, and this guy just lost it and swerved in front of us, millimetres from clipping the side of Gregs car, and then fishtailed it as he almost plowed into oncomming traffic, and slammed his brakes on in front of us, hoping for us to go right up his arse at 80km an hour. I was terrified. Greg was fuming. If we didn’t have to be somewhere I swear Greg would have followed this guy home and broken his jaw! I’ve never seen him so angry!
There’s also this issue with James, and how he’s not allowed to see me because Cassie is still “upset” about everything. Although she didn’t seem particularly upset when she came round here with James and her daughter to pick up her Birthday present, or any of the times I’ve been to her house since last years incident. Apparantly she just enjoys playing the “I’m upset” card when it suits her. James and I were meant to hang out on Saturday arvo, but on Friday he told me he couldn’t see me. Not because he didn’t want to, but because Cassie didn’t want him to. He told me he didn’t want to talk about it, and that if I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t see me, he’d question our friendship. Ha! What friendship? We’re not even allowed to see eachother! What kind of friendship is that? So I told James he could shove what little friendship we had. To be honest, while I’m pissed off that James managed to burn me a second time, I’m kind of glad now that I’m no longer in either of their lives that she won’t be able to use me as a scapegoat when their relationship has troubles.
Sunday afternoon almost made up for such a crappy weekend. Teeds, Greg and I went to Mordialloc Festival and had the best time. They had rockin blues bands, chilli dogs, we rode the ferris wheel! From the Ferris Wheel we had the most beautiful view! I wish I could have stayed up there forever. I had so much fun with them both. They’re both absolutely amazing friends who are always there in my times of need. I love them both so much. Greg was especially good to have me as his house guest Friday and Saturday night. He even bought food, which is a big deal considering the most I’ve ever seen in his pantry was a bottle of Soy Sauce and a can of Glow in The Dark paint!
I’ve smoked far too much these last few weeks, seen too little of my Mum and my friends and over the weekend, kind of blew my healthy eating deal.
I might go and see Mum tomorrow night or Thursday night. I’ve missed her heaps lately.
That’s about all that’s going on at the moment.
Love you all.
Prue
Inside my House
You know you want to look because at heart, we’re all vouyers 
Ignore my ramblings
2am and listening to Robbie Williams Escapology album… just like old times. Reminds me of living at Mt Waverley with Teeds and Dave. I’d spend most of my nights listening to this album over and over. I really connected with it at that point in my life. I’m feeling the same connection with it as I listen to it now. It’s one of those albums I put on when I’m feeling mixed up, lonely and pining for someone.
I thought about DW for the first time in ages a few songs ago. There are plenty of songs on this cd that remind me of him. Well, not necessarily of him, but remind me of the time when he was around and how I felt. I kinda feel like I’m back in the same situation, just with another man this time round.
Things will Mullethead are just as complicated as they were with DW and just as painful. Didn’t think I’d feel that way ever again.
Actually, the other day I had a dream about DW. I woke up feeling so strange. I woke up with the same feeling in my stomach that I used to get when I thought about him or spoke to him or saw him. It was tight with anticipation and nervousness and intensity. It took me a few seconds to shake it. I don’t think I’ve ever woken from a dream where I still felt the intensity of the emotions I was dreaming of. Definetely odd.
Edit: I wrote this last night and I couldn’t finish it because I had to swap PC’s… But now I’m re-reading it, I don’t think there’s anything I really want to add. It was just one of those “emotional-missing-someone–but-just-annoyed-because
-i’m-a-wanker-and-jelous-because-i-don’t-actually-know” kinda entries.
Ignore me. I’m mental. 