pruesaysit.com

Being alone is only hard when there is someone you know you want and can’t have

I feel sick after my conversation with Leigh. He pushed me, so I pushed back. He hit me with a question that really scared me. It was about using casual sex, or even kinky sex, as a way of avoiding intimacy. As a way of avoiding becoming close to someone. I wanted to say no, but I know he’s right…
I think back to what i felt for DW and never once did I feel the desire to be someone I wasn’t or to indulge in role play or kinks as a way of disassociation. He was the first person I ever felt close enough to be myself with. Instead of acting out, or playing dirty, I let him treat me like I always wanted to be treated.I let him love me. I let him make love to me. I let myself fear that overwhelming hurt of being made love to for the first time. It’s not a pain in the hurtful sense, but it’s just this ache in my chest that I got. I felt this huge lump in my throat and felt as though at any minute, I would explode with emotion. I let down my defences and showed who I really was, and he ran…He ran for the hills as fast as he could. He disappeared the next morning and he left me there, sleeping. I woke up completely alone. I have never felt more alone as I did at that moment. I doubt I ever will. I never want to show anyone that part of me again. If I do, they’ll run, just like he did. Don’t be stupid, ofcourse that wont happen….But it does. It did. And I never want it to happen again. I never want to feel the heartache I felt when he left me over and over again.
It’s just such a mess. Being alone is only hard when there is someone you know you want and can’t have.

was bored lol

Bold the applicable

01. I miss somebody right now

02. I don’t watch much TV these days

03. I love olives

04. I love sleeping although I don’t get much of it

05. I own lots of books

06. I wear glasses or contact lenses

07. I love to play video games I just got 1080 for N64 on ebay! Yay!

08. I’ve tried marijuana doesn’t do anything for me, just makes me feel crook

09. I’ve watched porn movies I love porn!! The more the better!

10. I have been in a threesome

11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship

12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy (key-word: usually)

13. I have acne free skin

14. I like and respect Al Sharpton

15. I curse frequently

16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year

17. I have a hobby Writing….

18. I’ve been told I: (women) have an applebottom, (men) am packing.

19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me

20. I’m really, really smart

21. I’ve never broken someone’s bones

22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal

23. I hate the rain

24. I’m paranoid at times

25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar free

26. I need money right now! BIG TIME

27. I love Sushi

28. I talk really, really fast when I’m excited

29. I have fresh breath in the morning

30. I have semi long hair

31. I have lost money in Las Vegas

32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister

33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.

34. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis

35. I have a twin

36. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past When I was 14, I had a date at a party and I borrowed his jacket and i left all my fake nails in his jacket pocket….What a dick

37. I couldn’t survive without Caller I.D.

38. I like the way that I look sometimes

39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months

40. I know how to do cornrows and even have done them on myself

41. I am usually pessimistic

42. I have a lot of mood swings

43. I think prostitution should be legalized

44. I think Britney Spears is hot

45. I have cheated on a significant other in the past

46. I have a hidden talent

47. I’m always hyper no matter how much sugar I have

48. I think that I’m popular

49. I am currently single

50. I have kissed someone of the same sex

51. I enjoy talking on the phone

52. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants

53. I love to shop. when I have money

54. I would rather shop than eat

55. I would classify myself as ghetto.

56. I’m bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.

57. I’m obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal

58. I don’t hate anyone.

59. I’m a pretty good dancer

60. I don’t think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington

61. I’m completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother

62. I have a cell phone

63. I believe in God

64. I watch MTV on a daily basis

65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months

66. I love drama

67. I have never been in a real relationship before

69. I currently have a crush on someone hehehee 69 lol

70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life

71. I want to have children in the future

72. I have changed a diaper before

73. I’ve called the cops on a friend before

74. I bite my nails

75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club

76. I’m not allergic to anything

77. I have a lot to learn

78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger

79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube’s newest “Friday” movie

80. I am very shy around the opposite sex sometimes

83. I have tried alcohol or drugs before

84. I have made a move on a friend’s significant other in the past

85. I own the “South Park” movie

86. I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal

87. When I was a kid I played “the birds and the bees” with a neighbor or chum

88. I enjoy some country music

90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza

91. I watch soap operas whenever I can

92. I’m obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist

93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career

94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all

95. I know all the words to Slick Rick’s “Children’s Story”

96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy

97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it

98. I have dated a close friend’s ex not dated, and they weren’t that close, but still a friends ex

99. I’m happy as of this moment

255

Sorry about my last post…It was rambly and I think it came from
having seen the guy that looked like DW the other day…just got me
thinkin about him.

You know what annoys me? Is when people post nasty
comments in my journal, but don’t have the balls to say who they are.
Post what u like about me but at least don’t be an arse clown and leave
it anonymously. And if ya think I give a rats arse that u think i’m a
slut, guess again.

254

Why can’t i stop thinking of him?

…….no tv and no beer make Homer go something something……………..

Go Crazy?

I feel down, I think of him. I feel happy, I think of him. Everything I feel, I pretty much think of him.

Don’t mind if I do………………………………..!

253

Saturday nite, went to Chris’ going away shin dig. He’s moving to SA to join the Police Force. Met his mrs, and she’s lovely!! Really nice, sweet girl with a very pretty smile. I wish em all the best, and awesome luck to Chris with the Academy. Drink those civilian cunts under the table, mate.
I will post the pics of Saturday nite soon, and I’ll post the pics of Jims birthday as soon as I get em.
I have finally got my period. I’ve got killer cramps, damn Endo. Where it goes, I have no idea. I hadn’t had it for like 3 months. I was worried maybe DW had left more than just a lingering memory in his wake. Oddly enough, I saw a guy who kinda reminded me of him yesterday, and I felt so strange. This guy had blonde short hair, and a similar body and face shape. For a moment, I lost my breath.
Meanwhile, yesterday I was so embarressed coz I went out and I was standing there, and this guy turned around and kinda smiled at me. I smiled back, considering he was a hottie who kinda reminded me of Joaquin Phoenix. We’re smilin at eachother and then he kinda looks me up and down, then he turned away suddenly. What’s his problem, I thought? So I forget about it, and stand there for a few more minutes…then for some reason, I got this feeling something was wrong. And boy, was I embarresed to find my fly had come undone and you could see everything and I wasn’t wearing underwear!!! oh my god, I almost died. No wonder this guy was smiling at me. And here am I, smiling back like a dickhead while he has a full access view of my box. I was mortified, but just couldn’t stop laughing on the inside.
I bought an N64 off a mate, and I just bought 1080 from a dude on Ebay. I’m so excited. I have to go and get it from Chops tonite or something.
SHIT i have to pay for my domain name and stuff again. Ill do that now, actually.
The cat is crook…I have to give him his antibiodics. I’ll be back to write more in a bit.

Marriage is love?

251

feeling incredibly bland…the way I’d feel when I’d medicate myself with Xanax to avoid the anxiety, the terror, the heartache. consumed too many cigerettes tonite. too many thoughts swimming around my head, my heart. don’t know what he sees in me. wonder if anyone else will ever see those traits in me? I just don’t feel *that* for him. wonderful but I just can’t do it. don’t want to hurt him, want to be friends. But i don’t think that’s going to be an option with the way he feels about me. Why can’t HE feel that way about me? was just so silly at first you know. started playfully, next thing u know, it’s like please i need to go home, i’m crying , literally, because I can’t stop thinking about him. It actually hurts. I don’t wanna hear about it you know. Don’t tell me those things. Here’s the cake, and a fork. Eat it. U may as well. U already are. Number one? Fuck you already are. always. first. best. what i always wanted. Tried to change it, just can’t deal with it. Can’t change it. dont know if i want to. want it all. want him. happy. i have become the good egg. run from it. hide what can be hidden. not a good liar. his hand in mine. happy face. Screwed him. tears. And him. broke another heart. Still there though.

250

Personally, I’m starting to think I’d like to cast my electoral vote for “The Worm”
He seems to know what the score is, and hey, he does what the people tell him to.
Worm For PRIME MINISTER!