June 16th, 2004 | |
Posted in DW
Lately, I’ve been avoiding writing anything deep or meaningful (to me, anyways) in this journal. I guess I’m afraid there are a few dickheads about who are just gonna bag me for whatever I say. But I was just reading over a few entries from last year, around this time, and I noticed how much more personal and how much more intimate they were. I never held back and I wrote just what I wanted to. I wrote what was in my heart. I think I need to start doing that again.
Here’s the thing. Although I try not to talk about it, and I try to push it to the back of my head, I can’t stop hoping that DW will enter my life again. It’s his birthday in 9 days, and he’ll be 26. While walking around the shopping centre the other nite, I saw the sequel to the Novel I gave him last year. I picked it up, and ran my fingers over it and skimmed the back of it, while pondering whether I should buy it or not. I decided not to, as much as I really wanted to. I thought if I bought it, it would just sit here on my desk as a reminder of him. Like I would see him to give it to him, anyway. I want him to thank me for the book on the way out of my gate, and flip me the peace sign, like he did last year, just so I can have a laugh. I want him to have the sequel of the Holy Grail quest, so that he knows there is still hope in his life to find that illustrius spiritual holy grail. I want to give him the sequel so he knows there is always hope for a sequel of the heart. I know I sound like a loony at this point, but it’s okay. As long as I know what I’m rambling about.
Jeez, the guy kills me. I think about him so often. The stupidest things remind me of him. Apples, Camberwell, Italian Food, Smoked Salmon, Futurama, when I smoke too many ciggies, Curling up in bed on a cold nite and thinking about him, law and order the other nite when they turned up at a Grill house named after the one he works at in the city, jetstar ads for trips to hobart, tattslotto…and it goes on and on. Every time I update my journal, (and thus why I don’t update it like I used to), I want to write about him. I want to say how much i miss him, crave him. I don’t understand how or why this fire still burns inside me. The flames are just as huge as they were 12 months ago. It’s so funny. I remember calling him about this time last year, and telling him to still come to Daves 22nd, and not to boycott it coz of me. When he turned up on the nite, I was so happy to see him. The smile on my face lasted all nite and well into the morning. Ofcourse it was helped, when Andrea fell over twice and broke a chair, but generally the smile on my face was coz he was sitting next to me all nite, burning his rubber shoes on the fire bin. Then like a dickhead, he tipped the fire over, and burnt a severe patch of grass on the cricket pitch haha. I remember us sitting there, taking the piss out of 2 of our friends who were eskimo kissing. We sat there copying them, and being dickheads. He’s cute as a bugs ear when he lets down his guard :o)
He prolly has some gorgeous stunning girlfriend these days. He’s prolly well and truely over me. And if that is the case, I hope he’s happy on his birthday this year. And for the rest of the year, obviously. He’s a brilliant guy who deserves to be so happy, he has the best smile that should be on display. Great teeth, perfick dimple. I hope who ever he is with, loves him as much as I do.
I hope secretly he doesn’t have a girlfriend, and that he can’t spend a waking minute without thinking of me briefly. I hope he thinks of me when he thinks of silly crap like I do. lol obviously i don’t want him miserable, but i mean, c’mon…i’d be lying if i said i didn’t want him to be thinkin of me lol ahhhhh i dont think anyone will ever live up to the way i feel about dw. i’m pretty sure they wont. these days, i’m not sure i even want to find anyone to try to measure up to him. i guess it’s kinda like if I can’t have him, i really don’t want anyone. It’s just not the same. It’s not that i’m hanging around waiting, but more that i just don’t want to disapoint myself when I realise that there’s no one out there like him and the way I feel about him.
Mmm snuggly.