pruesaysit.com

Feeling ‘Grey’

Sorry my last post was a bit dramatic. I was in a really bad headspace and it scared the crap out of me. I really just felt like I’d reached the end of my tether and I couldn’t take it anymore. Normally the sadness is like waist deep water, harsh at first but then you get used to it…but the other night it was like an unexpected tidal wave. It just hit me and I found myself flailing and gasping for air and I was all out of floaties.
Anyway, I wanted to say thanks to those good eggs who made contact with me to see that I was okay. It’s really comforting to know that there are people that care about me. I owe you guys.

I didn’t end up going to Mildura to see Nate, mostly because I was broke but also because I’m a notorious piker because of my anxiety. I let people down all the time because even though things seem like a good idea at the time, I stew on it and eventually by the time comes to do it, I’m overwhelmed with anxiety and I pike. By my own admission, this is a cunty thing to do but I can confidantly say that at the end of the day, I’m the one who’s more upset than the person I’ve let down. I carry around a lot of guilt about stuff like that. Fuck, I still even feel guilty about not going to Cobram with Teeds 3 bloody years ago. One day it’ll be nice to be able to say yes to something without worrying I’m going to let someone down in the end.

Things with James are fucked. And I don’t just mean a soft dicking, I mean hardcore up against the wall panty ripping fucked. Tonight his friends told me how much hotter they were than me and had a good laugh at me on webcam while we were supposed to be talking. Don’t ask, it’s hard to explain the scenario, but essentially it made me feel like a right ugly cow and if they’re the kind of girls he goes for, then I have about the same chance with him as monkeys have of flying out of my anus.

I’m still seeing my Shrink. Obviously, from the post I made the other day and well, let’s be honest, the tone of this one too…it’s not working that fucking brilliantly. I’ve officially learned zero coping skills. It feels pretty fucking useless and all it’s doing is gulping down my parents money with fuck all results. God that sounds really negative. Don’t get me wrong, I really like my Shrink but we just chit chat, and at 200 bucks an hour, you’d wanna be seeing some results and I don’t see any. I’m nearly 12 sessions in and I don’t feel like I’m able to cope any better than I did before I started. I don’t know what I expected. I know I’ve been sick for a long time and it’s gonna take a lot of work to make things better, but shit… Meh, I’m just rambling.

It’s not all bad, fuck, I’ve made things sound like I’m gonna knock myself off. I’m just going through a bit of a rough patch.

If you want to know something most cute and excellent though, you should comment or email and I will share it with you. I can’t post it here because due to some 6 degrees of seperation kinda set up, I’m worried someone I don’t want to see this will, and it could cause some issues for me. It’s nothing huge so if you can’t be arsed, that’s fine too. I’m not knocked up/getting married/dying… it’s just something that’s brought some light into my life and I’d like to share it with you. Sorry to sound so fucking cryptic. I’ll explain if you ask.

Fuck Landlords In The Arse

I feel like shit at the moment. I have this cold/flu thing that has been circulating amongst my friends and it’s totally wiped me out. All I’ve wanted to do is sleep…yes, even more than usual. People always look at me strangely when I say this, but surely I’m not the only person who’s skin hurts when they are unwell? Like, my skin is so sensitive and it aches so badly when I’m crook, but every time I’ve told people that they look at me like I’m the Bearded Lady’s even beardier and more portly conjoined twin. I just get that “WTF?” look.

If I wasn’t feeling so average, I’d be excited to tell you that we finally got a heater today! Yeah, so it took 6 months to come but it’s here…I think they were hoping we’d have left before they had to actually replace it. But at the rate we’re going, we could be here right up until the last possible day. Rental inspections are at ridiculous times like 1.40pm-1.50pm on a Monday, so it’s hard for everyone to see the properties, and even if they have been suitable, landlords can be so fussy now that they don’t take the first eligible applicant…they can pick and chose exactly who they want coz demand outweighs supply. It’s insane. The prices we’re looking at paying are twice what it would have cost a year or 2 ago. Shithouse.

Anyway, that’s about all I can tell you at the moment. I’m too knackered to write about anything else tonight. Stay tuned.

Sweet Merciful Crap in a Bucket

I know that most of the following rambling is completely incoherant, but I was so mad when I wrote it that my fingers momentarily disconnected from my brain! It was an email to Nate to update him about the absolute stupidity of the Real Estate agent we rent through. We put in an application for a new housemate nearly 2 weeks ago and we’ve still not heard back, even after I’ve called repeatedly.  Although a guy has moved in upstairs (think John Jarret in Wolf Creek! ARGH!) and he put in his application days after ours and had his approved. And then I start going on about repairs to the heater, which hasn’t worked for months.

I”M SO FURIOUS at the real estate. I’m about to lodge a complaint with them with the residential tenancies i think.

I”M FURIOUS. 

So yes, that’s the email that I managed to purge most of my rage into while I cried with frustration. Then, I had a falling out with James, just for good measure. So really, today has been fucking swell.

“I know I appear calm, but let the record show that I am expressing my outrage at this situation”

Chicken Goo and Clearing the Air

Why hello Internet! I’ve missed you so much these past 2 weeks without you!

Times they are a changing, again. Nate has officially moved out so Karishma and I have been trying to find a housemate to fill the gap. We’ve found this awesome guy who’s super keen, but the Real Estate/Landlord are fucking us around and taking forever to let us know whether they have approved him or not. I call every day and the Property Manager never bothers to return my calls. I imagine they’ll call pretty quickly when they figure out that without a 3rd housemate, the rent won’t get paid. Seriously, it’s getting ridiculous.

I’ve had a cold for the past 2 weeks and it has sucked the big one. I’m full of goo that has an aftertaste not dissimilar to chicken soup. It’s revolting. I’m meant to eat chicken soup, not being coughing it up and snotting it out!

I’m struggling a bit at the moment with how to tell a friend something that is bugging me, but I don’t want to hurt their feelings. I keep thinking that the problem will go away, but it doesn’t and I don’t know how to bring it up because I know what their actions aren’t intentional. Am I best to just suck it up and get over it? Or should I say something to clear the air but risk hurting their feelings for the sake of my own? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Speaking of hurt feelings, Nate said something the other day that really pissed me off and I just need to vent. So his girlfriend has just had a baby. No, not his. Anyway, the 3 of them came down to finalize his move and take everything back to wherever it is they live. The bubba is brand new and I was super clucky with her. When I wasn’t holding her, I would gaze at her little facial expressions as she surveyed the room. Anyway, Nate saw me watching her and I must have had that maternal look on my face and he says in a smartarse tone “Why don’t you just have your own? This ones mine”. Oh man, that got me mad. Okay, for starters, he knows damn well that there’s a good chance I can’t have my own kids. It’s not like he isn’t aware of this fact and how sensitive I am about it. But to then rub it in my face that he got to walk into a relationship where his new GF was 8 months pregnant and now he’s calling himself this kids dad, just gave me the absolute shits. I think I shot back something back at him that was nasty, but I can’t remember what it was. I was just so fucking mad and upset that he would say something so ridiculously insensitive. It might sound like I’m blowing it out of proportion, but it really did feel like an super low blow coming from Nate. Meh, just another thing to suck up and get over.

I’m thinking about adding a page to my blog to chronicle the whole Crazy Med change. I think it would be cathartic to have an outlet in which to write freely about the experience without hogging up space here where people might not necessarily want to read it. I’ll set it up in the next few days.

Anyways, send me good vibes for the new housemates application approval. I think I’m gonna need it.

Finally at Peace

Today they buried Emma.
After the years of abuse she endured at the hands of a trusted Parish Priest, she might finally have some peace at last.
While we weren’t close friends at High School, I’m so very sad and angered by her passing. It makes me sick to think that he stole, not just her childhood, but the life she could have had if she hadn’t had to endure the painful memories of being violated by someone she should have been able to trust. He was a Priest. A ‘man of God’ who, behind closed doors, was procuring young victims, like Emma and her sister, and sexually assaulting them. And the Church fucking knew. They just moved him around, Parish to Parish, to destroy the lives of other children.
There is not enough apologizing the Catholic Church could do to this family. They’ve endured this pain for the last 15 years. Kevin ODonnell, her molester, got 15 months in jail. Where is the justice in that? The only comfort we can take now, is the fact that he is dead and can no longer abuse the position of trust he once held. But that’s just one Priest. There are so many other clergy who have destroyed the lives of their victims who are yet to face any sort of punishment. It’s sickening. The Catholic Church should be ashamed of themselves for allowing this epidemic of pedophilia to go on for so long. It’s about time they took stock of themselves and punished those bastards who hide their sick perversions under ordained robes. And hopefully, it will be families like Emmas who lead the way in acquiring public support that will force the Church to do this.
The Church will never be able to give a grieving family back their eldest daughter. They will never take away the pain her family felt as they watched her fight the demons that haunted her for so many years. But here’s hoping her families determination and strength to bring this to the publics attention will prevent another young life from being destroyed.

Emma’s Story
Emma’s Final Farewell 

Regular Rantings

Maybe I’m getting to be an old biddy, but is there something wrong with a 9 year old girl wearing this tee shirt?

Granted, I was shopping in Frankston at the time, but seriously! The kid I saw it on was with her mum at the time, and I just kept thinking “Mum has got to know what this tee shirt implies!” Damn you Supre, I wish a pox upon all your similar looking staff in skinny jeans and ‘ironic’ nu-wave tee shirts.

In other news, the Mothership and I went for lunch in Springvale on Saturday. We found this great little place around the back of Rhino Chasers (local poxy strip joint) that made the most fantastic Vermacelli Noodles with Prawn Rolls. Mmmm *drools* Afterwards we walked around the shops and I managed to snap a picture of some signs outside the Supermarket that never cease to make me laugh.

Nothing says ‘Welcome!’ like some CCTV images of banned shoppers.

I hung out at the Motherships for the rest of the evening, enjoyed some free dinner, came home and ‘partook of the herb’ as my old man would say. I need to find munchies that aren’t ridiculously expensive and fatty…not that I normally care, but after eating my way through a packet of 24 choc-chip cookies the other night, I figure there has to be another way!

My current annoyances are as follows;
-Cat Hair… It’s a wonder my fucking cats aren’t bald considering they shed so much hair. <insert obvious bald pussy joke here>
-The Managers at my local Safeway… I really don’t think they like me.  They look at me like I’m going to do the place over every time I set foot in the door. Do I really look that dodgy?
-Running out of Webspace and having to upgrade my plan… I really need to think about whether it’s worth 20 bucks a month to keep hosting my site. Although, I was surprised to know that the sum of my incoherent ramblings is nearly 50mb.
-The Shitty Trim I Got At The Hairdressers Today… I really am kinda pissed about the quality of the thinning out and trim I got. Then again, I shouldn’t bitch and moan about it considering it only cost me 9 bucks.
-Home Hair Dye Jobs That Turn Out Badly… self explanatory really.
-Random Facebook People… Who are you? I don’t know you so fuck off. PS. No I don’t want to join your shitty group.
-The Dominoes Pizza Guy… who I spoke to on the phone tonight. I told him I had a voucher for $6.95 delivery and he pretty much called me a liar. “I”m DAMN sure we don’t have $6.95 delivery…” So I went in and picked them up and took the voucher with me. When I showed him he was wrong he asked if he could keep the voucher…”Get your own DAMN voucher” I retorted as I walked out with my cheap pizzas. Nate and Andrea agreed that I had some Ricki Lake style head movements going on whilst I conversed with the Pizza Guy.
-People I Care About Losing People They Care About… death really does suck the big one.
-My Phone Charger Breaking…stupid bloody charger. Lucky I have my geeky back up USB one.

Yeah, that about covers all my whinging. Don’t really have anything else to complain about but trust me, I’m sure something will come up. Otherwise, things are pretty good. Driving lessons going well, looking for cars, have done the practice Hazard Perception Test about 100 times. Oh, Emily is moving out which sucks, but I’m sure her rats will be happier in a cat free environment! She’s moving in 2 weeks time I think, so I have to get onto finding a new housie. Emily, if you read this, I still expect free bakery treats, don’t think that by moving out you’re going to be avoid having to deliver me tasty baked goods. I demand chocolate scones!

Anyways, that’s about it. I’m gonna go and try and fix up my shitty dye job.
xoxox

FFS!

Why is it they take that stupid video capture half way through the middle of your youtube posting?
I always look like such a knob jockey! Damn you YOUTUBE! I’m going to start putting a nice photo of me in half way thru the post, just so the random picture will be a half decent one!

Carry on.

I’m not the footpath, so quit walking on me.

It’s fucking freezing here in the house. I’m wearing my hoe jacket (sexy faux leopard fur that makes me look like I’ve just walked off Gray Street) just to keep warm! I had been wearing my dads jumper but he stole it back when I went to visit last night. Bastard! Aside from my cat, it’s been the only source of warmth I’ve had since the cold weather came on.
I’ve been calling the Real Estate, busting their arse to chase down my landlord so they can install a decent heater. The one we have no is a piss weak electric heater on the wall in the lounge that would struggle to warm even the toilet, let alone a kitchen/lounge room with 14ft ceilings! They’d better come through with some source of heat, or I’m just going to start a bloody bonfire in the lounge room.

Lauren is moving out tomorrow and to be honest, I’m kinda glad. We’ve had lots of fun living together but lately we haven’t really been getting along very well and I think living apart will be much better if we wish to maintain any sort of friendship. We had an argument the other night and she’s been abrupt with me since. I said some stuff that I should probably have just kept to myself and we had it out in the hallway. I thought we were okay after that, but we’re not. She said she wasn’t shitty at me but given she yelled at me when she said it, I’d say she wasn’t being entirely honest. I was fairly hurt considering I’d really hoped we could have a nice dinner, just the 3 of us to say goodbye and goodluck. Whatever. To be honest, it pisses me off coz I think I’ve been a pretty good friend to her and I’m always there when her other friends have ditched her, but I guess she doesn’t see it that way. I hope distance and perspective will entice her to treat our friendship a little bit better. 
I plan on sleeping or staying in my room tomorrow while she’s moving. I think the stress of the move will lead to short tempers and I can see it ending up in tears. My tears anyways. I’m really just not in the mood to bother when I’m treated so poorly in return all the time.

Speaking of friendships, I’m pissed off with Michael. I’m tired of always being the one to message him, invite him to do things, email him. People who ditch their friends when they find someone better really give me the shits. I guess I get sick of giving heaps in a friendship and getting fuck all in return. Truthfully, I’ve felt that way pretty much all my life. The only friendships I really ever get back the effort that I put in are with Teeds and Ange and Nate. I really can’t think of any other relationships where I’ve felt I didn’t make all the effort. Teeds and I are going to hang out on Friday night so I will ask Andrea along and we can hang out like old times.

I spent last night at the folks place, basking in the glow of their glorious heater. It was perfect. I was toasty and warm, mum and I got to chat, we watched Boston Legal on Foxtel and we drank Chai tea. The mothership and I should really make that a weekly date. Perhaps I will stay on Thursday night, after we go to the city together. Mum has a job interview so I’m going to kick it in the CBD. Any ideas of stuff I should do?

Okay, it’s officially too late and I’m starting to notice stalactites dangling from my nostrils. Damn this cold house!

PS. How much do I love Windows Live Writer Beta 2??