pruesaysit.com

It’s always a good sign when they don’t commit you.

I went and saw a Psychiatrist today…First time I’ve seen one in years. I was surprisingly calm about going which was a plus. He was nice enough, but he had this crazy eye thing going on so that when he looked at me it was almost as though his eyes were reading, going sideways like that Car City ad that used to be on TV. It creeped me out and I had to hold back my desire to chuckle. I’m a cunt, sue me.

I talked for over an hour about growing up, when I first remember being depressed, a detailed account of suicide attempts and thoughts etc etc. You get the idea. Since I left my brain has been all frazzled and weird. I think it’s coz I spoke about stuff I hadn’t thought about for a long time. I need to defrag my brain for reals yo.

The highlight of my day was buying a 6 pack of Rio undies that contained a 7th pair I had stuffed in the packet. Lucky for me, I picked a check out girl who couldn’t give a shit, so it was bargains ahoy. What’s the bet Karma will bite me in the arse and I will shit my pants on the day I wear the stolen undies.

Btw, our poxy fake bouganvilla that I found on the hard rubbish collection cum Christmas tree made an appearance on the Morning Show yesterday with Larry Emdur. I shouldn’t be proud, but I am I’ll upload a photo for you all to gaze upon it’s tackiness.

F U Old Man

 A few weeks back, I yelled at an old man in public. Not just yelled, but swore at him too. And it felt gooooood.
I was in the car with mum, parking at the Shopping Centre and this old guy plowed into a parked van. He hit it so hard, he struggled to release his own car from the bingle. He stopped for a few seconds, looked around to see if anyone was watching and then proceeded to reverse out and go on his way. That shit is so not on, so I got out of the Vulva and approached his car. Apparently his driving had caused another girl to have to brake quite hard and so she’d wound down her window to give him a piece of her mind, so when I got to him he was mouthing off at this poor chick calling her a ‘fucking bitch’. I knocked on his passengers side window and asked him if he’d planned on leaving his name and number on the car he’d hit. He was already super agitated and aggressive so he started yelling at me that he ‘hadn’t hit it at all’ and then he was all ‘I barely touched it’ and I replied that it was common courtesy to leave your details if you hit someones car and if he didn’t, I’d gladly leave his rego number in a note on the other cars windscreen. Oh man, he cracked it big time… He got out of the car and started following me, screaming that it wasn’t his fault and that the ‘fuckin’ Chinese girl’ he’d cut off before had caused him to do it…’it was her fault’… I yelled back at him “Yup, and I’m sure she’s stealing our jobs too!”  That’s when he told me I was ‘a fat cunt who should go on a diet.’…“Sorry??! Fuck YOU old man!” I shouted at him in the most condescending tone I could muster. Oh fuck, it was priceless. I could see he was starting to get all red and for a moment, I actually thought he might have a heart attack and drop dead! Mum and I laughed about it all afternoon. And just to prove a point, I left his details on the car he hit and later that afternoon, the lady owner called me up to tell me how sweet it was for me to do that and how she appreciated it.
She actually ended the phone call by saying “God Bless You…it gives me hope that there are still nice people left in the world…thankyou” Man, I almost teared up when she said that. For some reason, I really felt the emphasis in her voice when she said God Bless You… it was really striking and I felt like she genuinely meant it. It made me feel warm and fuzzy, and even though I don’t know if I believe in a God, it was sweet that she would share her God with me.
Anyway, point of the story is that it’s fun to give an old prick a piece of your mind. It’s without hesitation I award him Cunt O’ The Week.

Plush Jesus…What Every Girl Needs

I’ve attempted to write in here a few times in the past week, but each time I’ve ended up sidetracked by school work. This is probably a good thing! 2 weeks in and I’ve finished 4 assignments already. Being able to study my course online is great because I can go at my own pace, which is probably faster than what I could if I were attending classes. Plus, I get the social interraction at our workshops every second Tuesday evening or so. It’s a good mix of what I want, and what I probably need.

Saturday I did two things I hadn’t done in a long time. No, not sex. I went to the Mordi Jazz, Food and Wine festival, which in itself was great, but the best thing was I went on the Cha Cha. Not a big deal, really, but since I developed my Anxiety disorder about 5 or 6 years ago, I’ve avoided doing stuff that might make me feel sick…I get anxious about feeling sick in public…so whizzy kind of rides were well out of the question. But as I stood there on Saturday watching the Cha Cha fly forward and zig zag around, I thought fuck it, I’m gonna ride that whizzy bastard. And I did! Loz suprised me by getting herself a ticket and jumping on with me, and it was heaps of fun. Well, for the first minute or so…then it was just a lot of “Jeez, when’s this bastard gonna stop?” The most exciting part of the ride was trying to get off it. When it stopped, the guy came and opened the little gate and told us to jump out. I looked down and realised there was about a 5′ drop down to the ground. I made the guy push our little carriage around to a spot where there was something to step on to. Fat chicks + heights= high probability of embarrassing incident involving landing flat on my face.

Later that night I did something else I hadn’t done for a long time. Went out on St Patricks day. As a non-drinker and an anxious bitch, I don’t ever venture out on Paddys Day. Normally everywhere is full of drunken knobs, and I know this might sound wierd, but drunk people make me anxious. (Oh god, it sounds like everything makes me anxious! Which, admittedly was once the case! But nowadays it’s mostly alcohol and busy crowds that get me on edge) Anyways, sitting around at home on Saturday night, Loz, Jo and myself decided that we were desperate for Karaoke. So we headed down to the Tudor Inn in Cheltenham. It was a pleasant suprise to find that the place was pretty quiet. No insane Paddys day revelry which came as a relief. We spent the night singing, playing pool with some awesome dudes we met and fighting off the advances of an old guy who looked like Franco Cotso. Good times.

Speaking of Loz, we’ve been getting on a lot better lately and she’s not moving out, for the time being. I think she’d be happier somewhere else, but I think she’s taking her time to find a place which is fine by me. Things in the house were getting so tense and finally errupted a few weeks ago after a series of arguments and my ban on Greg coming to the house. Why did I ban him? I’d had enough. It’s a long story. Anyways, Loz took some time out, which in turn, gave us all some time to think and reflect. I think when Loz moves out, Nate and I might just remain in the house by ourselves. While finding a new housemate wouldn’t be the end of the world, I think we’d both be happier not to have to share with someone we didn’t really know. It will depend on the money issue, but we’ve done it before, so I’m sure we’d cope again. It’s really just been a relief to have things settle down in the house finally.

Fuck it’s hot in the house tonight. I’ve got my fan going, but it’s still so muggy and uncomfortable.

Let’s take a brief interlude to look at some photos, shall we?

Back to Black. I like it better this way.

Loz escaping the clutches of Grand Sale.

Fuck, how good is this! I was in the bank so I couldn’t run out and take a photo of it, but it’s some sort of Sooty mobile!

 Best buy of the whole year! It’s a plush Jesus!

What’s JC without his magic sandals?

I swear, cats run the show here.

 Collie showing off her fantastic legs.

Before going back to black.

Stay tuned for more regular programming!

Midget wears sash

Yesterday I was shopping at Coles and something caught me off guard. As I was strolling through the aisles, I saw this little woman rushing around with a huff and a scowl etched on her face. That’s not unusual. I, myself, am known to look that frustrated while doing my grocery shopping when the supermarket is overrun with morons with out of control shopping trolleys. The wierd part was that this woman was a Coles employee who was wearing a giant Miss USA style sash that lauded her as Customer Service Something or Other. I couldn’t figure out what it said after ”Customer Service” because she was so little, and the sash was so big that it drapped round her twice. Since when do Coles run customer service pagaents? And why was this woman awarded it, given that she was so scowly she made me want to hide in my trolley? Perhaps it was a participatory sash that everyone was awarded, not unlike all the “Competitor” ribbons I recieved as a kid. (Fat kids do not win sporting events…well, except for shotput and discus…we all know fat kids rule at the throwing heavy stuff type sports).

Because we’re all perves, admit it.

Loz ran into my room earlier to tell me our neighbours were having sex  in a particularly vocal way. We both stood around listening and giggling quietly, like we’d never heard anyone fucking before.
We got a bit too eager with our eavesdropping and I stumbled into the cat litter which caused a bang. We’re pretty sure the male neighbour noticed us then, standing behind the screen door in the laundry, when he walked out on to his balcony naked to have a smoke.
I’ve gotta say, if I was a guy in my early 40’s and I realised my two twenty something year old female neighbours were listening to me having sex, I’d think it was pretty hot! But then again, I’m a perve. I think just about everything’s hot.

Just to prove it, here’s an abridged version of individuals and objects I believe are hot;

-Whispering. Even whispering in Church used to get me a bit excited.

-Tom Skerritt, especially in that scene from Poison Ivy. You know the one I’m talking about!

-Smokers/Smoking. It’s wrong and dirty and a terrible habit, and I love it.

-V shaped Electric Guitars…What can I say, I love 80’s cock rock?

-Hot Summer Nights

-My Harmon/Kardon speakers

-Sideburns *melts*

-”Sign Your Name” by Terrence Trent D’Arby…I’m not really sure what it is about this song, all I know is that it makes my ladybits feel funny.

-Stationery. Newly sharpened pencils that have that great woody aroma, blemish free erasers, spiral bound notebooks…Oh My!

-Real Living Magazine. Wow, I really am a perve. Who finds this magazine sexy, honestly? I’m not including the Ikea catalogue in this list, purely because it turns everyone on. No one dislikes the Ikea catalogue!

-Chest Hair….on them, not me…just so we’re clear on that…

Are these things weird? What unconventionally sexy things turn you on?

Santa Sack o Nuts

I just deleted the 4 paragraphs I had typed this last half hour. I was trying to come up with some fantastic and humourous way to talk about how much my family means to me at Christmas, but it wasn’t coming out properly. It sounded contrived and cliched and very 7th Heaven, all of which apply in no way to my family. So I’m going to try again…Bear with me.

My family are an insane mish mash of nutbags, perverts, orphans and smokers. And I love it. There is no where in the world I would rather be on Christmas day than at the Mental Asylum otherwise known as My Parents House.

My mum is the most amazing host. She makes sure everyone else has everything they need before she ever sits down to eat her own food, regardless of how cold it’s getting. She gets genuinely embarrassed when you give her a gift. Whenever I ask her what she wants for Christmas, her reply is always “I just want a nice day”. Given that I can’t wrap that up and leave it under the Tree, I normally end up buying her something from Kmart. Regardless of what it is, she always makes you feel like it’s the best gift she’s ever recieved. I could go out into the yard and pick up a few of the cats turds, wrap them up and present them to her, and she’d still gush over how lovely it is that you even thought of her.
My dad is just as predictable when it comes to his behaviour on Christmas day. Regardless of whether you gave him a Rolex or a side of Ribs (which is what I did give him, incidently), his reaction is always the same. He grins and says “Thanks Pruey…Yeah, that’s real nice”
Between arriving at the house, and the actual eating of lunch, he hovers around the Kabana placed on the table for people to snack on. Generally the Kabana is gone within minutes of it being put out. Then he sifts through the bowl of mixed nuts, hunting for Cashews. Then I complain he’s taking all the Cashews. Generally he’ll open up his mouth and offer me the paste that’s formed on his tongue. He really is a classy guy.

This year Greg, Loz and my mums brother, Danny all came for Christmas lunch. The only member of our family missing was Teeda, but she’s in Cambodia. That fact didn’t stop my parents from wanting to fill a plate with food, put a name tag on it and take a photo to send to her.

Between bouts of insanity, we ate, smoked, drank, ate, smoked, ate some more. We wore ridiculous hats. We laughed at innapropriate subject matter. We exchanged gifts. My dad got my mum a Slot Car set. Within minutes, there was a track set up on my parents kitchen floor. Watching my mum enjoy herself so much made me smile. We ate Tiramisu. We spoke about the prospect of all heading out the back and purging like Ancient Greeks. Fortunately, that plan fell flat.

I spoke in my last post about how I usually find myself in a post Christmas funk around now. This year, I’m not really feeling that. More than any emotion, I’m just feeling appreciative for the family I have, be they blood related or acquired along the journey. It was a day I want to remember for a long time.

That darn cat

Last night I yelled at the stupid cat from across the road aka SCFATR.

I heard he and Columbo fighting in the front yard. There was a lot of banging and yelping and crying, mostly from Columbo. Ofcourse, maternal instinct kicked and I ran to the door, flung it open and saw SCFATR mid way through a swipe. Our eyes met, and he turned and hi tailed it out of there.

“YEAH YOU’D BETTER RUN MOTHER FUCKER!”  

As soon as it left my mouth, I instantly realised it was probably not the most appropriate thing to yell at the top of my lungs at 7pm.

I hope my neighbours kids didn’t hear it!

I hate that cat.

Big Breakfast

We had a Sunday morning Big Breakfast over the weekend. As expected, it was fucking amazing. Eggs, Tomatoes, Half a Pig, Hashbrowns, Spinnach, Toast, Beans, Bread, Orange Juice, Chocolate Milk, Onions, Fried Mushrooms… All consumed under the sunshine of our backyard, complete with both The Sunday Age and Herald Sun. Sundays don’t get any better than this, my friends.

  For more pictures of breakfast, just click go to here.

 The rest of the weekend was spent doing weekendy kind of stuff, like going to Ikea, going shopping for groceries, vegging out on the couch and watching a dvd with mates.

I got one of those threatening letters of impending legal action over a bill today. Eugh! Stupid AGL.

I don’t think the guy who works at my local servo thinks I’m particularly amusing. I was standing in line with Loz, waiting for him to finish chatting up some bird in front of us. He was taking ages, so I announced that Loz and I would just wait til his speed dating session was over. He didn’t laugh. We did. A lot. The girl didn’t find it amusing either. The akwardness that followed was the funniest part.

Why are Crunchie chocolate bars always broken in half?