Feeling ‘Grey’
Sorry my last post was a bit dramatic. I was in a really bad headspace and it scared the crap out of me. I really just felt like I’d reached the end of my tether and I couldn’t take it anymore. Normally the sadness is like waist deep water, harsh at first but then you get used to it…but the other night it was like an unexpected tidal wave. It just hit me and I found myself flailing and gasping for air and I was all out of floaties.
Anyway, I wanted to say thanks to those good eggs who made contact with me to see that I was okay. It’s really comforting to know that there are people that care about me. I owe you guys.
I didn’t end up going to Mildura to see Nate, mostly because I was broke but also because I’m a notorious piker because of my anxiety. I let people down all the time because even though things seem like a good idea at the time, I stew on it and eventually by the time comes to do it, I’m overwhelmed with anxiety and I pike. By my own admission, this is a cunty thing to do but I can confidantly say that at the end of the day, I’m the one who’s more upset than the person I’ve let down. I carry around a lot of guilt about stuff like that. Fuck, I still even feel guilty about not going to Cobram with Teeds 3 bloody years ago. One day it’ll be nice to be able to say yes to something without worrying I’m going to let someone down in the end.
Things with James are fucked. And I don’t just mean a soft dicking, I mean hardcore up against the wall panty ripping fucked. Tonight his friends told me how much hotter they were than me and had a good laugh at me on webcam while we were supposed to be talking. Don’t ask, it’s hard to explain the scenario, but essentially it made me feel like a right ugly cow and if they’re the kind of girls he goes for, then I have about the same chance with him as monkeys have of flying out of my anus.
I’m still seeing my Shrink. Obviously, from the post I made the other day and well, let’s be honest, the tone of this one too…it’s not working that fucking brilliantly. I’ve officially learned zero coping skills. It feels pretty fucking useless and all it’s doing is gulping down my parents money with fuck all results. God that sounds really negative. Don’t get me wrong, I really like my Shrink but we just chit chat, and at 200 bucks an hour, you’d wanna be seeing some results and I don’t see any. I’m nearly 12 sessions in and I don’t feel like I’m able to cope any better than I did before I started. I don’t know what I expected. I know I’ve been sick for a long time and it’s gonna take a lot of work to make things better, but shit… Meh, I’m just rambling.
It’s not all bad, fuck, I’ve made things sound like I’m gonna knock myself off. I’m just going through a bit of a rough patch.
If you want to know something most cute and excellent though, you should comment or email and I will share it with you. I can’t post it here because due to some 6 degrees of seperation kinda set up, I’m worried someone I don’t want to see this will, and it could cause some issues for me. It’s nothing huge so if you can’t be arsed, that’s fine too. I’m not knocked up/getting married/dying… it’s just something that’s brought some light into my life and I’d like to share it with you. Sorry to sound so fucking cryptic. I’ll explain if you ask.
September 27th, 2008 at 1:29 am
Prue, you are worth a thousand times more than the immature brats you mentioned.Karma has a way of catching up with individuals like that and if that’s the calibre of James’”friends”, what does that say about him? You desreve much better , so go for it! Ti amo, Mama
September 27th, 2008 at 1:59 am
I’m always up for cute and/or excellent!
September 27th, 2008 at 3:42 am
His - ahem! - female entourage sound like the kind of girls you kick out of bed and never call back for laughing at you for having a small dick. Seriously, if they’re the kinds of girls he goes for, he’s not worthy of your time - arseholes, the lot of ‘em! (Sorry, I know it’s *your* journal, and *your* place to vent, not mine, but that really pissed me off that they did that to you). You’re gorgeous, and you’ve got personality, which goes a long way. The right bloke (or perhaps the right lady) will come along.
Also, I do hope that one day you do get out and travel - I think you’ll like what you see.
Meanwhile, how are Nate and Teeda?
I hope this finds you feeling a lot better.
September 29th, 2008 at 11:00 am
Hey Prue, you are the good egg by which I measure all the other good eggs I come across! I agree with the Jester. Go well, get better, drop me a line if you ever need an unbiased ear to hear…
September 29th, 2008 at 11:14 am
For those people who have deemed it appropriate to slander me based on an association with other people, I’d like to point out those girls were not my friends in any way shape or form.
It’s pointless to go into here, but Prue knows they’re not my friends, I didn’t even know them, and they have as much respect from me as I gather they have from all you folk who ride high horses.
So while I may not be worthy of someone else’s time, it will be for any number of other reasons, not because of that.
September 29th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Just watch out for yourself Prue, you know you are worth it. And even if you forget from time to time you have people around you who will remind you of it. xx
October 8th, 2008 at 10:41 am
@Meredith: Thanks sweetie. I really appreciate it.
Are you home now? Good to be back??