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Shrinkage 1 & 2

I wasn’t quite as nervous going to the Shrink as I thought I’d be. I guess because I’d met her a few times before there wasn’t the unknown factor lurking in the back of my mind that would normally make me super anxious. Turns out, I was right to be comfortable and calm about it because she’s wonderful. My shrink, who’ll henceforth be known as ‘Shrink’, is about the same age as my mum. She’s lovely and funny and has a very nurturing aura about her that put me at ease straight away.
These first two sessions we’ve spent with her getting to know me. I’ve just talked and talked and she’s listened and told anecdotes and interacted with me like you would a friend, albeit a friend you pay to hang out with. I really feel like we’re on the same wave length and her suggestions have made me feel empowered, which is something I haven’t felt for a long time.

We’ve talked about family, friends, relationships, past therapists, dentists, having kids, my Endo, suicide, ‘beige’, books, theories. I haven’t felt ‘under the microscope’ at all, which is something that has surprised me.  I expected to be judged and analyzed but instead I feel safe and confidant that she sees me as a whole person, not just the screwed up bits.

My first weeks homework was to identify my ‘cycle’… I promise, there’ll be no talk of ovulation.

Basically, here’s how it goes when I start to meander off track.

Beige settles in for whatever reason. Because I feel down, I isolate myself and avoid friends. I worry that I’ve upset my friends by avoiding them so I don’t call them for support. Instead, I stay in my room alone, where I’m left with only my thoughts so they begin to fester and they get worse. I find it hard to sleep with those kind of thoughts in my head, so I sleep all day and can’t sleep at night. This throws my body out of whack and I begin to feel worse. I lose motivation to do daily things like move, bathe, eat or take my medication. Without my meds, I get worse and at my worst, I can’t get out of bed. This means, I don’t put in my centrelink form because I can’t muster the motivation to get there. Without being paid, I don’t have money to buy my medication. So the cycle just gets worse until I call Mum and she fills my prescription and organizes to get me to Centrelink. This makes me feel like I have some semblence of control again, and I start back on my meds. My mood improves and a week later, I’m back to ‘normal’.   This happens every 3 months or so, sometimes more, sometimes less. It can vary in severity, who helps, how I deal with feeling so down, but essentially that’s the general pattern.

My second weeks homework is to identify the signs of ‘beige’ and put together an evacuation plan, so to speak;

Start to feel beige… what should I do?

-Play with Columbo
-Sit outside in the sunshine and have a few ciggies
-Have a shower and wash my hair, shave my legs, pluck eyebrows
-Call a friend and make plans and ask them to make sure I don’t cancel
-Go for a walk…doesn’t have to be a long one, just get moving.
-Go to the folks for the evening
-Write how I’m feeling in my blog, even if I have to make it a private entry
-Visit Cuteoverload.com
-Have a snooze, but only after I’ve had a shower
-Go to bed early
-Call and talk to Mum

I have to think of some more…if you have suggestions, feel free to leave a comment, that’d be awesome.
Anyway, thanks for reading all of this. Some of this might get a bit boring for you or a bit “TMI”, so it’s cool if you wanna skip it.
But I really appreciate the support I’ve had and this is a really big deal for me, so it means a lot.
Thanks guys (you know who you are)

xoxoxox