Dear Pruesaysit,

Hi! I’m missing the blog but loving the q & a! So I thought I’d throw something at you I’d been thinking for a while
I’ve been dating this girl for a year and a half now. We’ve always had a passionate relationship. Lots of fighting but lots of making up. My friends and family have never really been her biggest fans, so you can imagine how well it went down when we moved in together at Christmas. No one said anything outright, but I know no one was very excited about it. So we’re a few months into living together, and I’m starting to realise that maybe we made a mistake. The fighting has become more intense and the love making has almost run dry, all together. I’m realising she is a very selfish person. Have I dug myself in too deep now we’re tied in to a lease? Only a few months ago, we were talking about marriage, but if this is indication of what it would be like, it’s  never going to happen! Any ideas?
Drowning not waving,
Victoria

Given by the tone of your letter, it sounds like the ‘love blinkers’ are well and truly off. A sympathetic hat off to you for realising things aren’t working so soon. It’s always going to be better than dragging it out, that is, assuming your sure.
You obviously have been in love with this woman at some point to consider marriage, but believe me when I say,  you don’t know someone until you’ve lived with them. I’m sure plenty of my ex housemates would agree with me, those that still speak to me, that is. Could it be that you’re still adjusting to living with one an other’s quirks? Have you spoken about the increased fighting or lack of sex? Is one of you in a crappy place emotionally or physically, and that’s what’s creating the situation? Or in your heart of hearts, do you know you want out because she’s not who you thought she was? Lots of questions I know, but you wanna be sure.

I know not everyone will agree with this, but I think… it’s generally your family and friends who know you best. Think about the one person in the world who wants the least FROM you and the most FOR you, and ask them for advice. Ask your family why they feel so negatively towards this girl. Are their concerns valid? If they are, then definitely something to take into consideration. This is a time you need to be really horribly honest with yourself and I know it sucks, but honesty can be like that sometimes.

If you still want out, then think through in your head what you want to say to her when you tell her it’s over. Be prepared because when you live together, you want a break up to be as smooth as possible, as it equals less drama. Be honest, but in saying that, don’t say anything that unnecessary or unconducive to the situation. First, pick a time when you’re unlikely to be interrupted, and it’s just the two of you. Text, email, phone won’t cut it. Don’t take her somewhere in public really, most people don’t want to be dumped in front of an audience. Be sensitive with your timing. Let her know respect her enough to be completely honest with her and that you feel X, Y, Z (feel free to substitute for actual emotions) and that you feel the relationship can’t go any further/has run it’s course, whatever euphemism you find works for you. If she prods you for more information, don’t be callous to her emotions. Honest, but tactful. Give her time to take it in. She might want some time alone. She might be the angry type. You probably know her well enough to know what to expect if and when this conversation takes place. Let her know that you’d like to talk again, once you’ve both had time to process things. In the second conversation, you need to tackle the practical things like lease breaks, or if you’re happy to remain living together as friends, (although, beware it’s fraught with a whole new host of issues) and how you’ll divide any assets you’ve acquired together. Again, be sensitive, and use your best judgement. Don’t hassle her about what you’re going to do about the lease if she’s bawling and locked herself in the bathroom, obviously. But they’re certainly things you want to think of before you start the break up conversation because it can be very daunting trying to make those decisions rashly and in an emotional state.  Essentially, you want to break up with someone the way you’d want to be broken up with if it happened in reverse, with respect and empathy and as little anger as possible. Sure, feel those angry and upset emotions, but don’t bring them into the break up conversations coz that’s when shit flares up into arguments and all kinds of messiness.

Lots of luck with whichever decision you make

Prue