pruesaysit.com

Words can sting like a mofo.

So I’ve neglected stuff a bit lately. The blog being one of them. I’m normally a pretty pragmatic person. I don’t generally see the point in getting worked up about something you can’t change. But it’s the whole not knowing of whether my mum will be okay that is making things difficult for me. Wednesday is the soonest the can biopsy her. After that, it shoule be pretty quick to get some results. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Hey, worst case scenario, it’s Cancer, you do what you do. She’s the toughest bitch I know, she’ll be okay regardless the outcome of the biopsy.

Some friends and I went out for dinner in Springvale tonight. Man, it was so good. So yummy. Then we came home and talked shit for 3 hours. It was just what I needed.

Anyways, I’m going to bed soonish I think. I have some family guy eps to watch then I’m outta here. Nite

>optical communicationshaving a low night.

It’s times like this I wish I had someone to hug.

Like a fetish stars pussy, I can feel my heart stretching open around his presence again. And I guess just like a porn star looking at a 14 inch rubber dong, I’m feeling a bit hesitant about the whole thing. On one hand, I had 2 dates over the weekend. One not so great. I’ve had to since tell him that it’s just not there for me. He didn’t take that very well. The other, more informal, was a lot of fun and made me laugh heaps. I’d forgotten the fun of meeting new people and dating.  We hung out at home, ate late night maccas, talked shit and made out. Not so much a date, but I don’t want ‘those’ kind of dates at this point in time. In all honesty, after putting so much emotional energy into the james situation, I couldn’t give myself to someone completely right now I don’t think. He’d have to be pretty awesome. to be honest, I just wanna get my fuck on. I’ve been on hiatus for a long time, learning about myself, what I wanted, what I needed, waiting for the right dude etc… And I’m smart enough now to know that I don’t think I’d be ready for a relationship right this very minute. So I don’t wanna fuck anyone around, well not in an emotional sense. I’m drained at the moment. One the other hand, well… I don’t think there really is another hand. That hand has folded, which is a shame coz I know damn well that too would have involved gettin my freak on, awesome sex but I digress..But the new hand is being his friend. And it’s a difficult set of cards to navigate. How much do I want to know? how much do I want to tell?  All that kinda shit. Look at the end of the day, I can’t give him what I used to be prepared to give him, even though it upsets me and I know it’s hurt him. Don’t get me wrong, our recent convos have been so much more fun than they used to be, so much more relaxed…I guess coz I know that it’s never going to happen between us, so I’m not concentrating my energy on him in that way, so he can feel I’ve backed off, which gives him a sense of relief.  But it’s strange, since I’ve withdrawn, he’s given more of himself it would seem. He seems different. I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it’s just that he’s happier now that he knows I know where I stand and that I’m not chasing him any longer. I know he felt a lot of pressure regarding that situation.

Anyway, Mum has an appointment on thursday (yeah, that’s right 4 days later than she knows she should have gone….I’m looking at you Mumma!) to discuss her results from the mammogram and organise a biopsy. She’s acting all relaxed, which is nice, coz I’m stressed as fuck about it. Mum has always had the attitude that there’s no point worrying about shit you can’t fix, but I guess, as an anxious person by nature, my natural response is to worry. I’m having a bit of a hard time coping with it, which is what fueled the motivation to take up the offer of one of the two dates i had on the weekend. It was a bad move when I was feeling so emotionally fragile and it just went really badly. It’s been a long time since I used shitty emotions as a motivation to hook up with someone. It didn’t feel good at all. Especially since my last experience sexually, was with James, and it was the polar opposite to how that felt. Regardless of what happened after with James, it felt, at the time, lustful, loving, respectful, sensual, wild, dirty, right, comfortable, nerve wracking.

Anyway, it’s all much of a muchness. I just needed to purge.

I am going to go have a shower and go work on my business plan for my website

did I mention that Meghan looks fuckin smokin? Seriously, never seen a bitch as hot as her.

Also, for the record, the bitches on the real housewives of atlanta have MASSIVE tits!!!!

I was on the phone til late last night so I didn’t get up til this arvo. Loz, Meg and I sat around and gossipped on my bed for an hour or so. Then the three of us sat at the desk, gossiping some more and geeking it up. We made Canadian pancakes for dinner. Look, admittedly, I was skeptical about the adding of bacon and eggs to pancakes and maple syrup, but be fucked if it wasn’t delicious.

I had a second dinner, which was really only lunch for me, at about 2am when Dave came round with Maccas. Fuckin sweet. The chips were so bad though. Seriously, our local maccas makes the worst fries.

It’s now 7.30am and I figure I may as well just stay awake. I have some stuff to take care of this morning, so I figure I’ll just do it now and have a nanna nap during the arvo at some point. Love that nanna nap.

I’m having trouble sleeping lately.

Had the greatest fucking cake for Meg’s birthday! Mmm. We’re such a pack of old cunts. Everyones been asleep since 11 or so except me. We peaked too early I think and everyone was feeling wrecked anyways. I messaged my mum to see if it was too late to call but didn’t hear back so will call tomorrow.

Don’t ask about the date. Just…don’t.

My mouth is all hurty from tonsilitis. It has felt like my tongue has been burnt for the last few days. Ouch.

Everyones support over the last few days with regards to my mum has been amazing. You guys are all awesome and I really appreciate the kind words. They confirmed a lump via ultrasound and mammogram so now they’re looking at biopsying it, so I guess we just play it by ear.

In an unexpected turn, I have a date tonight.

House is listening to some Michael Jackson, circa before he lost his shit. Gotta give it to him, all insanity, the cunt was a musical genius. It’s sad to think that anyone born in the last 20 years, wouldn’t remember MJ when he was cool and the biggest icon there was, but rather, only a strange, masked guy with an obviously fleeting grip on reality.

My throat is sore coz I think I’m getting tonsilitis. That, or I just smoked too much over the weekend. Who knows I’m using this great sore throat spray from the US called Chloraseptic… shit, it works a treat. Fuck that stuff from the chemist with the directable nozzle, this stuff is awesome. I reckon I could numb myself enough to perform surgery on my own throat.

Score. Sideburns forgot his bottle of lemonade when he left last night. I’m a sucker for free carbonated beverages.

If i don’t write for a few days, or I go the other way and write TOO much over the next few days, sorry. I’m really worried about a few situations I have going on at the moment, the most prevelant of which is my mum finding a lump in her breast, that docs want mammogrammed/ultrasounded now, like yesterday. The urgency of the testing and my mums demeanour when they came for lunch yesterday worried me. When I woke up this morning, I just laid in bed and cried for a while. In fact I think I’m still crying in the pic o the day. I’m a big believer in documenting not only the good stuff that happens, but the shitty stuff too. And right now, if you thought I seemed worried about my own test results last week, well I’m about a hundred times more anxious about this. My mum is my best friend. The idea of her sick or hurting makes my chest ache and I’m getting all lumpy in the throat and wet eyes just thinking about it. I know, I know… lumps are generally nothing to worry, it’s probably a cyst or fibreous tissue, but it’s my mum. my bestie. She’s had cancer before. I’m scared shitless. And now my mum will probably read this and be all ” Oh Pruey, it’s nothing to worry about etc etc” when really, I know she’s shitting herself too, because she barely said 2 words when she was here yesterday. Plus she wrote about in her blog. I think if she thought it was nothing, she’d not have mentioned it. She’s not the kind of person to get worried about things before they happen, because she has the “what can you do about it?” attitude, like I normally do.

On top of all of this, about 20 minutes after I found out, James messaged me after that practically begging for my phone number. I had this moment, where I thought. he knows me well enough to know that somethings wrong… that’s why he’s calling. No, that wasn’t it. He told me he was in a taxi and didn’t say where to, so like a fuckwit I assumed here for some reason. Why the fuck would he come here??!?!?! I don’t know, but for some reason I just thought he was coming here, so when he told me he wasn’t, I fuckin let him have it. God, the shit I said. I was just so angry. At me for being stupid enough to think he’d come here. At life. At him for not being there when I needed him, not that he should be. He has no reason to. I was just so….fucked. I was just so upset about my mum mostly. The idea of her being sick… god…. nothing puts more fear into me.

Anyway, for those of you who have asked that’s what the extra part of my post was on friday night where I talked about how embarrassed I was. That’s what embarrassed me more than playing a flute naked on the main road as cars drove past. The fact that I made a fuckwit out of myself on the phone to him. That I lost my temper. That I let him disappoint me, even though he’s told me not to expect anything from him. That I wanted a guy wh doesn’t want me. Now that’s fucking embarrassing. Btw, I really don’t need any advice on this subject please. I have all the advice I can handle right now. Any more would just make me feel like a fuckwit, point out the things I already know, YES I get it, get over it, he doesn’t love me. I just couldn’t handle hearing it again today, with everything else that’s going on.

The mammogram machine at the South Eastern isn’t working so we have to go to Franga on Thursday. Please, please please send lots of good wishes my mums way.